Stick On The Ice
by shellcottages
Summary: Taking the advice of his younger sister, Campbell Saunders records his feelings about relocating to play for the Toronto Ice Hounds in a journal which ends up becoming the account of the final months of his life. COMPLETE.
1. Week 1

_**A/N**: Hello everyone! This was a project I started way back in the summertime (I was inspired by Pinky Brown's _Six Foot of Ginger Idiot_) but now after Campbell's death I felt like it needed to be completely finished! I tried to write the way Cam would probably express himself on paper - and I believe_ _he's_ absolutely nowhere _near a poet__! You'll just have to see if his writing will improve over time :) Also worth noting, Cam's a _lot_ more knowledgeable about major junior hockey than the average reader and didn't really feel the need to explain himself, so if you have any questions about how the OHL works (or even what the OHL is) feel free to ask me! Thank you for reading!_

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**SUNDAY, JANUARY 1**

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**MONDAY, JANUARY 2**

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**TUESDAY, JANUARY 3**

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**WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4**

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I honestly don't know why I'm writing in this right now. Alessia bought everyone one of these for Christmas but we all just said we'd use them so she wouldn't feel bad. Or at least, that's what I meant when I said it. And now here I am, writing in a stupid book at 3 in the morning because I can't sleep and have a million emotions going through my head.

I don't even know how to start. I am a terrible writer, and the sad thing is, I'm better at writing my feelings down than I am with talking or anything else. Hopefully I'll get better at this thing as time goes on. Alessia writes in her diary all the time, and I guess she must be good at it if she keeps doing it.

Alessia's my younger sister, by the way. She's the only girl in the family, other than my mom, unless you want to count my dog Bella, who's a black lab. As for guys, we have my dad, my older brother Justin, and my younger brother Emerson, and they're all good people. Then there's me, too. I'm Cam. My family's really close.

But I went off topic. Crap. I'm really not good at this at all.

I guess I can begin with the fact that I'm leaving for Toronto tomorrow. Well, today, technically. It all seems to sudden to be true.

Last week, I got a call from the general manager from the Toronto Ice Hounds, the OHL team. I had been on the farm team since September, but I wasn't obviously expecting to play this season. Long story short, there were a lot of trades for draft picks and now they needed to bring up a bunch of farm picks to the main team. And I was one of them! They gave me exceptional player status so I can play level up before I'm sixteen!

My mom was the one who actually answered the call, because I'm terrified of using the phone, and she flipped the most out of all of us. She's the normal "hockey mom", I guess, always coming to my games and whatnot. My dad's really supportive too, though, don't get me wrong. It's just that Mom's always been the most obvious about it. She was the one who signed me up for Timbit hockey when I was four, and then a rep team starting when I was six.

But my dad was also really happy, as well as my brothers and sister. Dad gave me the whole "turning into a fine young man" speech, Justin stayed off my back (that was a first, haha), Alessia started treating me like a king for the whole week, Emerson wanted to help me "train", but it pretty much became a training session for him. The only one unaffected was Bella, really, but that's because she's a dog.

I'm really excited to be able to play! I'm the youngest person in the league since Dawson Hemmings was drafted to Sarnia a few years back! But the thing is, I'm really kind of nervous for leaving home. I don't know why, though, because I really want to play! Hockey's my favourite sport in the whole world. I don't think anything or anyone else even comes near it! I've been playing for eleven and a half years, and I've never wanted to quit, so I don't really have any reason to stop.

My only problem with leaving Kapuskasing is actually leaving Kapuskasing. I know I just said that hockey is number one, but I've only ever played hockey with my family close by. Even at the farm team training, Mom was in the crowd and stayed with me at the hotel. But now, they're going to be so far away and won't know how they're doing all the time. It's just kind of a scary thought.

I just read all that over and it doesn't sound at all like I feel, but I really don't know how else to word it than that. I really suck at this thing.

I have to stop writing now because we're leaving at about six and I want to at least try to get some sleep before we go. It's going to be a long day.

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**THURSDAY, JANUARY 5**

Well, I've officially survived a day and a half in Toronto, and I've gotta say it's a lot better than I thought it would be.

My mom and I left at 6:15 yesterday morning and drove all day. She wasn't originally going to bring me down, but when I told her I was nervous she offered to drive. I liked that idea a lot better than taking the train down, I'm going to have to end up coming back home that way, but that's not until the end of the regular season and (hopefully!) playoffs.

It was a long drive. With the traffic, meal times and bathroom breaks, we got to my billets' at about 9:30 at night. They're a young couple, with a young daughter and another one on the way. They were billeting the Ice Hound's old goalie Ryan Leedston before he got traded to Kitchener, so they have some experience on their hands. The guy's name is Tim and is an accountant. The wife's name is legit Kelly Clarkson, not even kidding, but she's a funeral director instead of a famous singer, which doesn't sound like the greatest job. Their three-year old's name is Brianna and she's too young to go to school, and she's getting a baby brother at the end of May.

Last night when Mom and I showed up, Tim was the first one at the door. He shook my hand and Mom's hand. He's really tall and lanky, and looks a lot more like a stereotypical accountant in person. Kelly was busy putting Brianna to bed at the time, but I met her in person about half an hour later. She actually gave me a hug, which I didn't like at all. The gesture was nice, I guess, but I just really don't like being touched. It feels like electricity. But I pretended that I appreciated it because I didn't want to be rude. She felt warm, though.

I had Skyped Tim and Kelly a few times before I came up, and they seemed really good. And they are good, too. They said they're going to give me my own free reign a lot of the time (which I like because I don't do too well spending time with strangers) but they're not going to leave me completely alone. That made me feel better. And the house is actually gigantic. My room's way bigger than what I had back home, and this time I don't have to share with Emerson.

My mom stayed to chat with my billet parents until about 11:00, and then she went to a hotel for the night because it was too late to drive back. I had a pretty good night. I didn't go to sleep right away, but I wasn't awake the whole time or have any nightmares or anything like that. Looking back, a big part of that was knowing that I would see her again in the morning before she left for Kapuskasing. It didn't really hit me in the night.

I cried when she came to say goodbye this morning. I'll be honest. I held back as much as I could because I didn't want her to think I'm a baby. That's what Justin thought when I told him I was nervous. Normally he would've bugged me a lot more about it, but because this was a "special situation" he laid off. But it still hurt though.

Mom promised that I would be okay and we could Skype whenever I needed it, which was a little bit reassuring. If I had let myself cry as much as I wanted to, I can't even imagine what she would've done. Like, what if she pulled me out to go home or something? That would be awful. I don't want to be some failure because I can't handle being away from Mommy and Daddy. I can't do that.

So, I have to stay strong and play well and make everyone proud. That way, if they're happy, I'll have a reason to still stay here.

As far as the "playing well" part goes, it's been pretty decent so far. I'm writing this just after my first official practice on the main team. The head coach, Doug Underwood, he put us through some skating and stick-handling drills, stuff I would've done back at home, but it was a _lot_ more intense. It was hard, obviously, but it was a really good change. Afterwards we had a mock-game and the vet-players treated me like one of them and everything. It's amazing, because I've done my research on all them before coming here and now they're treating me like one of their own. Wow!

There are four other guys that got pulled up from the farm team this week. I was told their names, but I forgot all the new guys because I was just so focused on playing the best that I could. I knew most of the vet's names from before but I still have a few to figure out.

Actually, I remember the one new guy: Luke Baker. He's all the way from this small town in Florida. But the thing is, his entire family came up with him. He didn't have to start over on his own with a billet family, but his entire family started over. Mind you, he only has a sister and I have two brothers and a sister, but the whole idea of them all sticking together … I don't know, I wish I could have that.

It's all the initial shock of being so far away from home, I guess. Once I settle into things in Toronto, everything will be fine. I've only been here a day, right?

I also am getting really well with Brianna. When she first woke up this morning, she was really shy because she didn't know me. Kelly introduced me to her as "that nice boy who's going to be your hockey brother," which probably made me feel happier than it did Brianna, because it meant I had a home. After a bit, she took me up to her room and showed me her teddy bear collection. We played house with them for about an hour. I was Howie the baby bear, and she was Lucy the mommy bear. Kelly kept trying to suggest to Brianna that we should play something else because she thought I was getting bored. But I actually wasn't bored. I mean, it's not my favourite game to play, obviously, but it could've been a lot worse. At least it wasn't Barbies.

I especially like having Brianna around because she reminds me of my siblings at home. Emerson's almost six years older than her, I know, but I always felt like I needed to be someone for him to look up to, and now I guess it's kind of the same with Brianna. If I'm going to be her "hockey brother" I better do it right, right? So I'm going to treat her like a sister and I'm going to put her first while I'm here.

I'm completely fried and it's only 9:00. Hopefully I'll get a decent amount of sleep for tomorrow! I'm going to be hanging around with some of the guys from the team. I'm a little nervous, but so far Toronto's been pretty good to me!

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**FRIDAY, JANUARY 6**

Just got back from the mall with some of the guys. I thought I was going to have fun but I really didn't. I tried and it didn't work out.

All the guys I was with today were vets, and they had their little circle going and I was just on the end. And they had their own inside jokes and wouldn't fill me in, and my only involvement was them asking _everything_ about me, but never telling them anything about themselves. They didn't even try to make me feel welcome except pressuring me to answer every detail of my life and that wasn't welcoming at all.

These guys are supposed to be my friends here but they're all friends without me. My mom even made that call beforehand and it still did nothing. If I can't make friends with the people in the same situation as me, how am I supposed to make friends with people who have lived here all their lives? It just sucks.

I actually can't stop crying right now and I feel so worthless and scared. I don't want to call home either because my family is counting on me. If I can't handle two days in Toronto, then how can I handle a whole season? I don't know what to do already and it's scary.

Tim's already been up to check on me twice already and I told him I was too tired to come down, but I'm not tired at all. I'm just really upset that I don't have any friends here. I'm going to stay up in my room all night and wait for this to go away. It'll all be better in the morning, hopefully.

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**SATURDAY, JANUARY 7**

I feel kind of stupid about last night. Sometimes I get really emotional and panicky like that. I'm better this morning.

I called my mom this morning, though. I told her how practice was good and how the Clarkson's were good and I tried to make it sound like nothing was wrong when I brought up the "being excluded from the mall" thing. She caught on, though. She always does. She asked if she needed to call the team's general manager again, like she did before we came, to have the captain look out for me, but I told her no because I don't want to seem like a pushy baby. And come to think of it, Dallas was probably the nicest at the mall yesterday out of all of them, so maybe things will look up.

It's Emerson's ninth birthday tomorrow. I feel so bad that I'm going to miss it, but I'm going to Skype my family tomorrow so they know that I'm still thinking of them. I really do love them for everything they've done for me, and I really miss them too.

Something I didn't mention yesterday is that our host school is changing for all of us starting next week. The team originally went somewhere else, but budget cuts in the league had to move us to a school closer to the arena. That made me feel a little bit better, to know that we were all starting off new, in a way. Of course, the team didn't tell _me_ that, _they _were all just talking about it on their own in front of me.

So, this afternoon Kelly brought me to pick up my new uniform for Degrassi. I didn't have to wear a uniform at my old school, so this'll take some getting used to. It's not too bad, because the dress code is lenient enough so I can wear my Ice Hounds jacket with it, but the shirts are coloured by grade so I have to wear a purple polo. That's not my colour at all, but I'm sure it's not everybody else's colour either, and at least 200 kids have to wear it.

I start in two days. I'm really nervous because I'm just so afraid that things won't work out. And by things, I mean everything, really. I'm too shy to talk most of the time so I might not make any friends. I'm not that great in school already, and I don't want to get picked on for taking some year-behind classes. And then I have to actually _play_ on top of that. What if I'm not good enough? What if they put me back on the farm team and I let everyone down? I can't ruin everything.

I don't know. If I keep worrying about things like this then they're _going_ to happen, right? My mom always told me to keep my head up, stick on the ice, and I'd be fine. That's what I have to do. I can handle this. It's been my dream to play hockey and this'll be my chance. I'm going to do this right.

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_**A/N**: Thanks for reading! Next up is Cam's memorable first week at Degrassi! Stay tuned!_


	2. Week 2

_**A/N: **__Thank you for your support in the first chapter! One thing I want to make clear is that in Ontario (or at least, in my school district) you take four classes in the first semester, and then four new ones in the second semester. _Technically_, semester one ends at the beginning of February, but since the show doesn't have the whole class-change included, for the sake of this story the semester ended at the end of December, marking the beginning of a new set of classes for the new year. Does that make sense? Thank you for reading!_

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**SUNDAY, JANUARY 8**

Happy birthday, Emerson! I just got off Skype with my whole family back home, and it was really nice to see them all again. I bought him some hockey stuff and a pair of jeans my mom told me to get him before I left, and he said he liked everything, so that's good.

It was a pretty big deal, too, because Justin's also going back to university tomorrow. Technically, the semester starts tomorrow, but he lucked out and doesn't have any Monday classes, so he's driving back tomorrow. He's a first-year History major at Lakehead. I don't know how he's so fine with being so far away from home, but he's adjusted really well. He's not shy at all. I've always been really jealous of him when it comes to that. But then again, he's jealous that I can play sports really well. All he ever got to do was play on a house-league team but he wasn't really that good.

My dad told me that he ordered the Toronto network for the T.V. so they can watch our home games, which is nice because it means they're still looking out for me. Also, Alessia asked if I used this journal and I said I wrote in it a few times. I didn't tell her that I'm not a good writer, though. They all said they loved me and were proud of me and I had no clue how to tell them how happy that made me.

I had another practice this morning as well. It was good because I didn't really have to be stuck with any of the team and I got to take out my emotions on the ice. We didn't have a mock game today, but we did some more drills and talked strategy with the new line-up. When I actually start playing, I'll be on left wing with Luke Baker, the Florida guy, on right, and Dallas is in centre. The defence and goalie are all vets whose names I forget, but we all play well together so it's going to be good.

Because they want to keep the new drafts a "secret" for a little bit going back into the season, I'm not playing until about the end of January. Technically, we'll be on the bench the whole game, ready to play, but the coach won't play us. That way the other teams will underestimate us and we'll catch them off guard.

I start my new school tomorrow. Only one new draft has ever gone there, and that's only because he's lived here his whole life and went there before he got drafted. I'm obviously really nervous because, well, I think it's obvious at this point why I'm nervous, but I think everyone else is at least a little anxious. I heard Dallas talking in the changeroom that he even had to switch billet families when he came back from Guelph during the break because his old hosts moved to the States or something. I kinda felt for him, because a new school _and_ a new family? That's kind of starting over again like me. Plus, he's the youngest captain in Ice Hound history, and I'm the youngest player in Ice Hound history. I don't know, I kind of have respect for him because of that.

I talked to Tim and he said that Degrassi is a great school. The staff goes out of their way to make sure everyone is welcome, which is apparently a lot better than the old host school was to the team. They're going to be accepting of our hockey schedules and whatever but still treat us like we're a part of the school. That's good, because I just want to blend in as a regular student if I'm going to be here. As much as I wish I were at home celebrating Emerson's birthday with my family, if my new school's going to be good, then I think I'll adjust pretty well.

By the way, last night Brianna came up to my room after a bad dream and wanted to sleep in my bed. I really like having my hockey sister around.

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**MONDAY, JANUARY 9**

My first day as a Degrassi Panther was okay. Not good, not bad, just "okay".

As soon as school started, we were all called to an assembly. All of the Ice Hounds sat together, so I didn't have to sit alone. The principal started off the assembly by removing the uniform policy (okay, _that _part was pretty cool. No more purple polo for me!), but then he made a big deal about the team switching host schools. He got us all to stand up for a round of applause and stuff, and I thought that kind of went against the point of us being treated like regular students. I mean, not every club or team at Degrassi is going to get applause, right? Plus, I get really nervous when I'm the centre of attention.

After the assembly, the team silently split up by grade and went to class, and since I'm the only Grade 10 on the team, I went alone. I didn't get lost in the halls like what happens in the movies, but it did take me a while to get to my locker and get to where I needed to go. I'm pretty sure I kept taking the long route.

As far as classes go, I'm not really enjoying them. My first class of the day is Grade 9 French. It's probably my easiest class because I'm re-learning everything I failed last year. I probably wouldn't have failed it if I wasn't trying for all the farm teams. I mean, I tried out for six OHL farms last year and I live in the middle of nowhere, so the traveling was constant. But anyway, I know a lot of the stuff from the classes I was at last year. After that I have Science, which I'm just generally terrible at and _somehow _I passed with a 53 last year, and English after lunch, which I don't like because I can't write, as I'm sure you're aware.

I sat in all those classes alone at the back, but I kept getting a lot of stares, and like I said, I don't like a lot of attention. I felt really panicky the whole day. I had this stomach ache that lasted the whole time. I really hope that doesn't last tomorrow.

My favourite class was Math fifth period, and people were a lot nicer to me there. I sat next to this kid named Logan and we talked through the whole class with some of his friends and didn't pay attention to the lesson. The teacher was kind of oblivious to the whole thing. The coolest thing is that some of Logan's friends were girls. Like, really pretty girls. And they were paying attention to me, but it wasn't like I was the new kid. It was like I had been their friend for a long time. That was awesome.

I sat with the team at lunch, which wasn't that bad. The guys pretty much just left me alone this time. It's weird, because I don't want to physically be alone away from the team, but I don't like actually spending time with the team while I'm with them. But I'm completely fine with other people, like Logan and his friends, but I can't control who it happens to. I've always been really shy, even in front of people I've known all my life. I guess it's the same with strangers, too. So being with them, without actually talking to them, that's the best that this situation could get, I guess. And the caf food isn't too bad. It could be worse.

All in all, it was kind of what I expected, and it was good. Good that I got what I expected, not the actual day. That was just okay. I got invited to a party at Dallas' billet house, but I didn't really feel like going. I kept texting my mom all day. I still miss her a lot.

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**TUESDAY, JANUARY 10**

Today was better. I made some friends in French class today. My teacher put me in a group with these niners named Tristan and Maya for practicing basic phrases and stuff. Tristan was really dramatic while practising, saying all the English translations with this crazy French accent and Maya seemed really embarrassed about it, but I liked how he wasn't afraid to be himself around me. I also liked Maya. She wanted to do the work, but she knew when it was time to take a break. She seems really chill, too.

I tried to add them both on Facerange, but Maya hasn't accepted yet and I can't find Tristan's profile. Maybe his privacy settings are really high or something. I don't know.

I also made a friend in Science. Well, kind of. Turns out, I don't sit all alone in the back, but there's a kid next to me who wasn't there yesterday. His name is Sam. Should be easy to remember. Sam. Cam. We hardly even spoke but I think we sort of are friends now.

Logan and his friends were a little different in Math today. I didn't mention the girls' names yesterday, but they're Brooklyn and Savannah. I think Logan is going out with Savannah, but I'm not positive. And like I _did_ mention yesterday, they're really pretty. It looked like they tried harder to look pretty today (maybe because they're more used to getting up early after the break and they had more time in the morning?) but it didn't make that much of a difference to be honest.

Anyway, all started asking me questions about the Ice Hounds and Brooklyn kept laughing at everything I said and kept touching my arm, and I just _really _can't handle that. I just _can't_ have people touch me. It just felt so weird and I didn't know how to tell her to stop so she just kept trying to stroke my arm or whatever. I don't know what she was trying to do, but whatever it was, it didn't work.

They invited me to hang with them at the mall tomorrow, and even if I didn't have my practice, I still wouldn't go. They're still nice to me, but they've been acting different from yesterday so I'm not sure if they're really who they were on the first day or who they are today.

Today was also my first Ice Hounds "game", but as planned, I was benched the whole time. It was scary looking out at the crowd. I forget that they're there while I'm actually playing. I can't wait until I can actually play. That _is_ what I came here for, after all. Anyway, we lost 2-3 to Owen Sound, but my whole family Skyped me anyway saying they watched the game. Except for Justin since he's in Thunder Bay, but he sent me a text that he Googled the results of the game.

I stayed on Skype with Emerson afterwards because he's so young and his innocence can distract me. Turns out, he was a little upset about something, too: he had to sit next to a girl. That actually made me laugh a little. He's afraid of girls because they have "cooties" or whatever. But the again, I'm afraid of girls touching my arm, so I guess he'd be laughing at me too.

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**WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11**

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**THURSDAY, JANUARY 12**

I can't even believe this. Last night I talked with that Maya girl from my French class for three hours on Facerange, and we've been messaging each other ever since.

I should explain the whole story. Basically, she accepted my friend request and we were both online earlier today, so I started talking to her because she seems like a really nice person. And then we started _really_ talking about stuff, things we liked and such, and eventually it came around to the show _LOST._ Justin bought me the Season 1 set for Christmas and I've only been able to watch a few episodes so far, but it seems really cool.

Anyway, she's never seen the show before but she _really_ wants to, so I said she could borrow them. And then after practice (which went well, by the way), we just kept talking and talking and talking about everything, and we really got to know each other! Apparently someone from the team told her I'd have more ice time right now than he would all season, but I don't know who told her that. It also turns out she's really big into musicals and she's going to audition for the lead in Romeo and Juliet. She had her audition today and I gave her my mom's advice: keep your head up, and your stick on the ice. Hopefully she gets to be Juliet. She seems like she really wants it, so I hope she can get it and be happy.

When we're talking on Facerange, it's fun, but when I see her in person … I don't know, I get really happy. Maybe because I can see her smile, or because there's a whole different side to her that I don't see online. I don't know, she doesn't seem to be phased that I'm a hockey player that talks to her, like some of the other girls at this school, and I like that. She's really kinda fiery but sweet in person and she's kind of pretty too.

I don't know, this definitely isn't true love or anything like that but I think she's kinda cool. Right now I'm just talking to her about her audition (apparently the director says they'll find something for her!) and I really want to see her real-life personality. But I guess that can happen tomorrow!

What else happened in the past few days … I have a project in English where we have to write a long description describing an object or logo. I chose the Ice Hounds logo because it's the only reason why I'm at Degrassi. My writing is still not very good.

There was also this huge pep rally yesterday thrown to welcome the team to the school which, again, goes against what Tim said about Degrassi treating us like just regular students. This time we were actually on stage, and there was a slideshow, montage-thing all about us. In all honesty, I probably would've full-out panicked, but the whole thing was cut short when some of our hockey footage got mixed up with videos from the party at Dallas' house. It embarrassed the team, but I was okay with it ending early before I got too freaked out by the crowds.

Oh, another thing, I really feel bad about telling Tristan, the guy from my French class who I couldn't find on Facerange, that he couldn't sit with the Ice Hounds yesterday at lunch. He came over to our table right after Dallas made clear to some girls who had tried to sit with us, so I had to say no. I apologised to him and also to his brother Owen (he's the new farm draft from Toronto who already went to this school), but both of them kinda shrugged it off. I actually forgot about it until I started writing. Now I'm stressing out about it again. I don't know, I feel really bad about it because if someone said that to me, I'd feel really upset about it, and I didn't want to risk anyone else feeling down by it.

Brooklyn just texted me. I'm starting to get a weird feeling about her. Every day her hair gets straighter and I apparently get funnier and she asks me more questions about the NHL. Logan and Savannah have laid off quite a bit, but Brooklyn just keeps going. I don't know. She's _really_ wanting to hang out and stuff, but I keep having to tell her that I'm busy with hockey, and even when I'm not, I just like my downtime away from people at the end of the day. I don't know how to make her stop. That's why I like Maya a lot better, because while she likes to text a lot, she doesn't try nearly as much in person.

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**FRIDAY, JANUARY 13**

Friday the 13th is _right_. Today was so weird and awful. I'm so confused and upset. Should I tell the actual story first or why I'm so confused and upset first? I still don't know how this journal thing works. Whatever, I'm just going to come out and say it: I'm scared I might be gay.

Now for the story: I was messaging Maya on Facerange all day about the musical auditions, and I was so excited that, after a while of her not hearing anything, that I got a message saying she got the lead! But when I went to go talk to her … Tristan actually got the lead. And as it turns out, he was on her account ever since I started messaging Maya.

So whenever I was talking with Maya, I was actually talking with Tristan. Tristan who is a_ guy_. I thought I liked Maya but I don't even know her that well. She didn't even try out for the musical! What if the part of Maya I like was the part of _Tristan _I actually liked?

I don't know, and I can't talk to anyone else about it because this is _serious_. Like, if I'm not gay, they're not going to believe me, because I had to _ask_ if I'm gay. If I have to ask if I'm gay, does that make me gay? If I have to ask if asking makes me gay, does _that_ make me gay?

Oh my god, I don't know. I might be gay. I liked a girl but I might only like the part of her that was actually another guy. And I don't know what to do about it because I can't tell anyone. Oh my god. I have to stop writing now because I'm so confused.

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**SATURDAY, JANUARY 14**

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_**A/N: **__Ah, Cam, don't worry, sweetheart! You'll sort everything out soon!_


	3. Week 3

_**A/N**__: Thank you again for your kind words! This is more of a filler chapter since Cam didn't show up in these episodes._

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**SUNDAY, JANUARY 15**

Okay, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not gay. It took me all weekend to figure that out, and a _lot_ of stressing, but looking back at everything, I was kind of stressing over nothing. Well, not over nothing. I mean, I thought I was gay for a few days.

I've never been attracted to a guy before, ever, and that still hasn't changed. And the thing is, I liked talking to Tristan, totally in a friend way, and I thought that even when I thought he was Maya. I liked Maya for who she was in person. It would've been cool to see both sides of her combined, but the one side wasn't her, and that's okay. I want to know the Maya I see at my new school, and not the girl, or guy, I kept chatting with on Facerange.

With all that being said, I'm still mad at the both of them for lying to me. The real Tristan tried to add me on Facerange but I haven't accepted him yet. The real Maya sent me about twenty messages, and it's hard not to reply to them because I want to pretend that none of this ever happened, but it did. And I thought we were getting to be really close but we weren't. And I really kind of liked Maya too. I don't know. I just thought I had them as my friends, and I really need some true friends soon. Hopefully we can settle this in person, because I don't really like the idea of all this online stuff.

Now that I got all that out of the way, we had a game in Windsor yesterday, and we entered the third period with a 1-0 lead but the Spitfires tied it up towards the end of the game. We ended up winning at the start of overtime, which was awesome. Once again, I was benched. Windsor has officially been the furthest I've ever been away from home. That's when I really got homesick, because I knew after this game was over I wasn't really going back home at all. I'd see my billet dad and my billet mom and my hockey sister but I didn't want that. I wanted to see Bella the dog and sleep in my room with my little brother and go to my school where even though I'd be a hockey freak, I'd be the only hockey freak in a place where people already knew me.

I Skyped home today, but my dad was the only one there, and I just couldn't open up to him for whatever reason. So I stayed in my room and cried for a little bit. It sounds dumb, but that's what happened. Both Tim and Kelly weren't home and I forgot that I was supposed to keep an eye on Brianna, so when she came in my room and saw me crying I was really uncomfortable. But I told her the basics anyway, that I really liked having her as my hockey sister, but I wish I could have her as my hockey sister while I was back at home in Kapuskasing. I don't think she understood how badly I wanted this, but she still held my hand and basically recited what Tim told her: that when I win at hockey, then I'll be able to go see my real family, and then when the Ice Hounds need me to help them win again, then I would come back, and I would be happy. It didn't help too much, but I felt good having at least one friend here, even if it's a three-year-old girl.

* * *

**MONDAY, JANUARY 16**

I worked things out with Maya and Tristan. Tristan pretty much talked non-stop about how he made a huge mistake and how he was shy and didn't know what to do and how his brother warned him not to do anything but he did anyway and a _lot_ more. Come to think of it, it's really clear that he was the one sending those messages. Well, at least it is now. I feel like an idiot about it.

Maya apologised once and moved on with it, which was okay, because she only did one thing wrong by giving him her password. I mean, it was a big thing, but she didn't feel the need to apologise for the aftermath. She doesn't linger on things. I think that's cool.

I haven't fully moved on about it because it caused me a lot of stress, but knowing that _they_ have is a start.

That Sam kid in my Science class also actually talked to me today. I mean, he talks about work when we do work (that is, when he actually shows up for class) but we had our first casual conversation when we were doing our Bio questions. He asked me if I knew Brooklyn Thatcher, and I said yeah, and then he just kind of laughed. Apparently she talks about me a lot in her Art class, which Sam is also in. I don't get it. She talks to me non-stop in class, non-stop while texting, and now non-stop in other classes? She hardly even knows me. All she knows is that I play hockey. I really don't get it.

I also had a good practice today with the team. We only had a mock game, so it was like pretending I was actually playing a game for the Ice Hounds. I even scored a goal in the game, so that was awesome. Coach says that the new drafts should be playing our first game this weekend, which means I'll be sitting out one more time and then I'll finally be doing what I came here to do! Finally!

* * *

**TUESDAY, JANUARY 17**

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18**

* * *

**THURSDAY, JANUARY 19**

I have a game in an hour and I have to be at the arena, so I'll make this quick: Brooklyn. Is. So. Annoying. She doesn't know when to stop. The first day with her was really cool because she acted like I was nothing special, but now everything is hockey this, hockey that, and she treats me like I'm some prodigy when I haven't even played a game yet! She's even coming to the game tonight when I specifically told her I'm not even playing. I literally do not understand her.

Also, there's a school dance tomorrow. Logan asked if I was going to go but I told him that it's the night before a game and I need that downtime. That's true, too. I'm not just saying that because Brooklyn's going to be there, or because there's going to be a huge crowd of people. I heard Maya's new band is playing there too. She's really happy about that. Hopefully I'll be able to check them out sometime.

That reminds me, I think I'm actually getting along well with Maya, Tristan and Tori. Oh right, I've never written about Tori in here before. She's friends with Maya and Tristan and she transferred into the class once she switched her schedule around. She's a cheerleader, I think, and she's talking/complaining non-stop about her two-and-a-half-month anniversary with her boyfriend or something. Maya says she's not normally like this, she's just hit a rough patch with her boyfriend.

Tim's going to take me to the arena now. Here's to hoping I don't have any awkward run-ins with Brooklyn.

* * *

**FRIDAY, JANUARY 20**

You are not going to believe in a million years what Brooklyn did in Math today. I walk in, she comes up to me with a program from last night's game and a Sharpie, and asks me to _sign her freaking program. _I literally did not step for on the ice except for O Canada, but apparently I'm so good and I need to sign something before I'm so famous and I "forget her".

Sadly, I don't think I'll ever forget her. Sam told me that I should leave her alone and she'll move on to the next hockey player, so I really hope that happens. I ended up signing the program anyway, though.

There's the school dance tonight but as I said before, I stayed at home because I have my first actual game tomorrow. I planned on avoiding absolutely everyone, but then I got really nervous and I didn't want to have a full-blown panic attack, so I played bears with Brianna for a bit. I'm not even kidding. I was so desperate that today I was Joey the bear boyfriend. And after she went to bed, I got scared again, so I Skyped my Mom and Dad. And after that, they went to bed early because they're old, so that left me to freak out on my own. And then I started writing to calm me down but it didn't really work.

The whole purpose of me using in this journal was to make me think of other things, but everything keeps coming back and hurts me even more. I'm so scared for tomorrow because this defines everything. If I don't play well, then the entire keeping-the-new-drafts-a-secret thing is a total waste, and that could put the entire season in jeopardy. I'd be letting my family down, I'd be letting my team down, I'd be letting myself down.

Sometimes I get so scared that I lose the actual fear and just stay sad, and I'm in the middle of those two places right now. I used to be worse with it. Last year I had this presentation for Geography that I was so nervous for that I actually made myself puke to get out of it. It was just that one time, and I haven't had any dairy stuff since, but the idea that I'm kind of wanting to do that about hockey makes me sad and scared all over again. I'm just so nervous because this makes or breaks everything.

I'm going to go to bed now, I'll write what happens at the game tomorrow night.

* * *

**SATURDAY, JANUARY 21**

The game went so well! I was still so nervous (and deservedly so, there were 2,000 people in the crowd!) but I overcame it and I even got two assists! We won 4-1 and I got third star of the game! On my first real game! Woo-hoo!

Since the game was in London, my parents couldn't watch it, but I called them as soon as I got back to my billet house and they were so proud of me! I had a few people text me congrats (one being Brooklyn, but I don't care), but the coolest part was being able to tell some people myself. When I told Maya all that happened, she sent me maybe six smiley faces!

I couldn't be any happier. I'm finally doing what I came here to do and it's working out! I'm doing something good for the Ice Hounds and I'm making people proud. Plus, I feel like I'm actually earning that $100 a game. It may not be much, but I was always taught to work hard for what you get and the hard work has paid off! I love being an Ice Hound!

* * *

_**A/N:**__ I had to find a way to get Tori in French somehow! I know that in Karma Police, Zig is suddenly in the class, but I really have no idea how to add him in when in showverse he was clearly _not _in the class any time before. Next chapter is Say It Ain't So … time to see some clear examples of Cam's demons._


	4. Week 4

_**A/N:**__ Thank you for the reviews :)_

* * *

**SUNDAY, JANUARY 22**

_NEW ICE HOUND SAUNDERS SHOWS PROMISE IN DEBUT_

_"The secret has finally been revealed._

_"Fifteen year old Campbell Saunders had Ontario Hockey League officials and avid fans alike curious as to why an unknown underager was chosen as one of five new players on the Toronto Ice Hounds, only to remain on the sidelines for three weeks of play. Many believed it was simply to train the new recruit for regular play in the 2012-2013 season by exposing him to OHL game play a year early with the clearest view from the benches._

_"However, from the moment Saunders finally stepped on the ice in yesterday's game, it was clear why he was given exceptional player status._

_"The small-but-mighty Kapuskasing native is no stranger to hockey. As many of the league's players have done, he joined a junior league at a young age. At the mere age of six, Saunders was placed in a competitive league in Timmins, Ontario, traveling the 100-plus kilometers to the city and back for every practice, game and tournament. He quickly became one of the most-wanted drafts for many teams, and the then-fourteen year old sports prodigy spent months travelling across the province for farm team camps. In the end, the Ice Hounds chose him to be on the main team's standby at the beginning of the season. _

_"Saunders earned two assists against the London Knight's in his unofficial ice time debut last night (scored by Tanner Pollock, 1st 12:13 and Kyle Llewellyn, 3rd 11:53), awarding him with the game's third star, an impressive start for someone who was noticeably benched since his join to the team earlier this month._

"The Interpreter_'s athletic online blog _SportsNow_ has found that in a similar manner to the way new draft Owen Milligan impressively made his mark in his first game earlier this week, a considerable amount of time after his draft at the end of December, it seems as if the team is holding on to their new recruits for when they are needed the most. None of the players, including left-winger Saunders, were available for comment on this after yesterday's match, and nor was the team's general manager._

_"Other new players yet to make their OHL debut are Luke Baker from Arcadia, Florida and twins Bo and Ingvar Andersson from Stolkholm, Sweden. Saunders is the youngest player to play in the league since 2009."_

That was the newspaper clipping from _The Interpreter_ this morning! Tim and Kelly bought at least 10 of them and we're mailing some back home! They're also looking for the article from a few weeks ago when I officially signed to the team, but if they don't find it, it's not that important, because it just says my name and doesn't have a picture or anything.

* * *

**MONDAY, JANUARY 23**

So many people were paying attention to me today, and it was unbearable. Yeah, I got a few assists, but if you weren't paying attention to me before, then please don't do it now. I hate it. I'm not just something that is supposed to bring our team closer to the playoffs. I know that's the only reason why I'm here, but don't treat me like that. I'm an actual person with actual feelings, and my feelings are asking people to treat me as if they didn't know I was a hockey player.

Everyone just asks me hockey this, hockey that, and I just want it to stop. Even the team, and you'd think they'd get bored of it, but they love it. They're fine with being a piece of hockey meat and they take advantage of it. I can't do that. I don't know why I would _want _to do that. I think it's something I'm supposed to do, but it can't happen because that's just not who I am. I feel like I'm missing out on a lot that way.

I just want to actually play hockey. That's why I'm here. I came here to have a hockey opportunity, not for a hockey experience. If I have to have a hockey experience to be here, then maybe I'm not supposed to be here. I could just play for my stupid rep league at home and not be wrongly considered some hotshot just because I have a chance to get in the NHL. I'm tired of everyone treating me like, "Oh, guess who can play hockey? Oh, Campbell Saunders can play hockey!" There is more to me than the fact that I play a damn sport!

This doesn't even go out to anyone specific. It just goes out to everyone. I can't handle it and I signed a contract so it's not like I can forget it ever happened, and it's not like I can make a difference about it. Just leave me alone, okay? That's all I ask because I can't take it.

* * *

**TUESDAY, JANUARY 24**

Long story short, today sucked. I didn't even try. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong and A) I didn't want to discuss it, and B) I wouldn't even know where to begin. Imagine that conversation, though: "Why are you so sad?" "Well, as much as I love hockey, I'm not really liking hockey." Exactly, no.

The worst part, though, was people trying to cheer me up by talking about hockey. As I just wrote, I couldn't tell them how much I _didn't_ want to talk about hockey, but they couldn't get the hint when I literally just sat there. Especially Brooklyn. I know yesterday I wrote that it wasn't about anyone in particular, and it's not, but she's still the worst by far. She thinks she knows everything about hockey based off the one program she got at the game. All day was just "you got two assists!" and I don't even think she knows what an assist is. Even Logan told her to shut up at one point. That would've made me laugh if I weren't involved in it.

The only people who didn't be all attention-seeker-y were Sam, because he barely talks to me ever, and Maya, who asked once and dropped it when I said I didn't want to talk about it, and made Tristan and Tori drop it too. It didn't really make a difference, though. The day in general was still crap.

The movie theatres have a cheap-night on Tuesday back home, so my family's out there now to see We Bought A Zoo or something. I really don't care. All that matters is that I need them and I miss them and I can't get to them at all. I need to stop writing because I'm scared I'm going to lose it completely.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 25**

This morning at about 1 a.m. I cracked because I couldn't stop crying and felt terrible, and had a Facerange chat with Maya, who was still online for whatever reason. We didn't talk about the hockey stuff a whole lot, but just regular stuff. I did say I was feeling lonely here, though, and she said that I didn't have to feel like that. She was actually really nice about the whole thing. She didn't find it weird that I was Faceranging her in the middle of the night.

Actually, she was pretty nice about it at school, too. We were in a group with Tori and Tristan for French (new verb tense: l'imparfait) and she invited me to sit with her and Tori at lunch. I would've sat with them, too, but Dallas pulled me to the Ice Hounds table to sit with them. He said that sitting with girls is gay, but I don't really that. Doesn't sitting with girls mean that you have enough wheels to _get _all the girls to sit with you? That's not what I actually think, but that sounds like the way that the team would think.

So then Luke Baker from Florida kept going on about me being gay, which I'm still not, but it still bugged me because I thought I _might _have been gay a few weeks ago. Dallas said the team was going to watch the girl's dance practice to pick up some girls, but I said I had to Skype my girlfriend back in Kapuskasing so I could get out of it. I picked the name Jamie, because that's Justin's girlfriend's name and I just went with it. That's where Luke came in and said that Jamie was a guy's name, which is technically true, but I've met two or three girl-Jamie's and no guy-Jamie's in my lifetime.

I don't know why I didn't want to go with them. I could've just gone and sat in the back and texted my mom instead of doing all that stuff, but I just didn't want to be near them at _all_, and I'm still trying to figure out why I didn't want that.

Dallas ended up catching me skip out on them, though. Tim couldn't pick me up until 4:30, so I booked the gym and practised hockey on my own for a bit. It was actually fun, too. Anyway, I forgot that the dance practice was in a room just down the hall, so when it ended and I was still playing...I should've thought about that one a little bit more.

He's forcing me to hang out at the mall with them again tomorrow, which I'm not excited for _at all_. Considering what happened last time we all went to the mall, and the fact that I like to relax the night before I play, I'm really nervous about it. I can't get out of it again, because he knows I really don't have a girlfriend I need to Skype and I don't want to make up new excuses because he saw through the first one. I don't want to go. I'm scared and I know I shouldn't be.

I called my mom and she says I don't have to do anything I don't want to do, but I didn't have the heart to tell her that I _had_ to do this, so her advice meant nothing. I wish it did mean something.

* * *

**THURSDAY, JANUARY 26**

The guys made me feel like crap. I don't want to get into too many details because it's already made me cry, but I don't belong here and I want to go home.

When we went to the mall, it was okay at first, but pretty soon they all kept grilling me on not having a girlfriend. I kept saying that it's just because hockey's been my number one, but they wouldn't stop bugging me about it. I think they still thought I was gay even though they really have no reason to think that. And then they said that I should use the fact that I play in the OHL to get girls, which I know they all do, but I don't see the point because all they'll know you for is hockey and not for the real you.

But obviously, I didn't say that because I'm too stupid and shy to say anything without losing it.

Then they made me go hit on this random girl by saying I play hockey, but I said so many stupid things under pressure and she threw water on me and left. The whole team made fun of me for the rest of the time, and they all tried to get other girl's phone numbers and every single time, it worked. Some even got more than one number. I don't even give a damn that I didn't go home with some girl I didn't even know, but I do care that the entire team hates me because I can't handle having nobody who cares.

Not to mention, I heard people say in the hallway that just because I got an assist on the weekend didn't mean I was a good player. Apparently, I need to actually _score _if I'm worth being on the team. I don't care anymore. I'm not good at hockey and I'm not good at using hockey to my advantage don't want to be an overrated loser and that's all I am.

When Dallas finally dropped me off at home, I was alone because Kelly's doing some funeral prep stuff for work and Tim took Brianna to her first swimming lesson so I was able to cry in my room without anyone noticing. Tim got home about an hour ago and I've just pretended I've gone to bed early so I don't have to deal with anyone. I don't know what to do anymore.

* * *

**FRIDAY, JANUARY 27**

Wow. _Wow_. So much went on today and I don't even know in what order to say them, so I'll just write in the order they happened instead of the order of importance.

Our coach scheduled a last-minute morning practice since we haven't done anything since our last game, and that took up first period and half of second. It was crap. I was so nervous about playing again that I kept tripping and I was so embarrassed. Dallas pulled me aside after and got all mad, but I'm sure if he didn't take me out with him last night I would've been more in the zone.

I had to go to the end of Science even though I never pay attention anyway. We have our first big test next week, in Bio. I'm probably going to fail it. I can't focus on anything we're learning in any class because hockey just takes over my mind, and not in a good way. I got so nervous that I was ready to explode and just cry in front of everyone. I didn't, though. Not in class at least.

Then at lunch, some guy in the caf line pointed out my lucky boxers that were sticking out of my pants and pretty much said that I sucked at hockey. That really set me off, because I was already so nervous, but then Maya came around and said I would score a hat-trick, and I just lost it. Maya proved that a lot of people had really high expectations of me, but that guy knew I wouldn't reach them because I'm not that great. I also yelled at Maya for getting into the argument and everybody stared. She looked sad about it and I felt awful. I don't really want to write about this anymore because it makes me really anxious all over again. Plus, I want to skip to the good part. I wanted to keep that a surprise but it gets really good!

Anyway, I ran to the bathroom freaking out and crying but I honestly don't remember a lot of it. I do remember that I was really shaky and couldn't breathe and I didn't feel like I was there. I know that sounds dumb because I obviously _was_ there, but it's true. I was like that for God knows how long and then it got worse when the girl I hit on at the mall came in. Why did she come in? _Because I was in the girls' bathroom._

I honestly wanted to roll up in a ball and die at that point because I was so nervous and panicky and I wanted it to stop but it wouldn't. Luckily, the girl calmed me down and told me that I don't need to worry. She told me to go hang out with good people and not worry about trying to impress the team and that'll make going to school here a lot better. It honestly helped quite a bit. I wish that whole comeback process was more exciting but I honestly switched back just like that. I just had to ignore the people who hurt me and that would help me get in the zone.

And it ended up working because … I scored! It was in the second period right at the end and we won 2-0! It may not have been a hat-trick but I did a lot better than I thought I would've done at lunch; I didn't even think I would make it to the ice! My family sent me tons of photos of them watching the game and they were so proud of me! I was so happy but it gets even better!

After the game, we were all out at this restaurant, and I saw Maya there. I felt so bad about losing it on her and I could tell she was still pissed at me, so I did what I could to apologise and eventually she accepted. And you'll never guess what? She has good-luck clover underwear too. She needed them for a cello thing today. I swear to God, when she showed me them, I almost _died_. I think it was just me feeling high off the game, but I did something totally impulsive that I wouldn't have done if we lost … but I kind of asked her out! _I asked Maya Matlin out on a date!_ I really feel like I can trust her because she forgave me for having a breakdown and embarrassing her, even though I'd probably be upset about it for a long time. Plus she's smart, talented and pretty … and she said yes! I'm still on top of the world!

This week may not have been very good, but the good parts from today make it all worth it! I scored, my family is proud, and I'm going on a date with Maya. You have to have bad days to make great ones, and it's paying off! I can't wait to play again on Tuesday! I'm not sure when I'm going to go out with Maya but hopefully it'll be soon! I can't wait!

* * *

**SATURDAY, JANUARY 28**

* * *

_**A/N**: So far, I've been able to update this story every Friday, and I intend on keeping this deadline! Thank you for reading!_


	5. Week 5

_**A/N**__: I've never actually seen the film Cam, Maya and Katie saw for the movie date, but I have read the book about a year ago, so I'm basing some of my writing off of that. It's the only film I could think of that came out at that time that I could somewhat manipulate into making their comments be accurate, haha._

* * *

**SUNDAY, JANUARY 29**

* * *

**MONDAY, JANUARY 30**

Remember when I was excited that I was going to go on a date with Maya? Well, things are going a little differently because of that.

Ever since I asked her out at the restaurant, I haven't been able to talk to her or text her or look at her at all. I just get so nervous and panicky and I can't breathe properly or whatever. I'm just so scared that I'm going to screw up whatever I do and she won't want to go out with me anymore, so I just stay quiet so we're still on good terms.

The problem is, I know that method is only going to work for so long. After a while, she'll think I'm this moody, antisocial jerk and I don't want her to think that. I might be shy and homesick but it's not like it's within my control. I'll probably be able to get over it once I'm used to it here. I just need some time and I don't want her to change her mind because of that.

I have a game tomorrow in Guelph, so we're leaving halfway through last period. Normally, that would be good because I don't have to deal with Brooklyn (Logan calls her a puck bunny to her face and she just laughs it off - like, what is up with that?), but I was supposed to have a test and now I have to write it tomorrow at lunch. I do not understand parabolas at all. I was almost good at equations and stuff until we threw in squares and squiggles and now I suck more than usual.

I need to pass. If you get less than a 60 average, you get put on probation for the team until you can bring it up. Last semester, my average was 63, and that was when I was at home with my family and didn't have hockey on top of that. Tim and Kelly say that they'll be able to find me a good tutor if my average slips. I don't know where it is right now.

So those are my stresses: I can't initiate a date with the girl I like and have _already _asked out, I have a game against the third in the league while our team is eleventh, and I'm going to fail a stupid unit with no real connection to real life, but could affect hockey for me completely. I texted my mom about them and she asked if I wanted to Skype, but I had to tell her no because I really had to study for Math. That sucked.

* * *

**TUESDAY, JANUARY 31**

I didn't talk to Maya today. I think I failed my test because I didn't have enough time at lunch and the bit of last period to finish it. We lost 5-4 to Guelph in a shootout and it's because I screwed up and missed that last goal. Also, one of our best players got injured and that throws off all our chances. That was my day. I hate everything. I want to go home, but I'm not even sure I want to go home. I just want my stupid life to stop being so stupid and I'm not sure if home can change that.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1**

I know I pretty much sound bipolar when I write this, but I actually had a really good night with Maya!

She was the one who actually came up to me to arrange the date, which kind of makes me feel a little stupid that I couldn't suck it up and do it myself, but the way she takes charge is one of my favourite things about her. Anyway, she asked me after French if I wanted to go see _Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close_ at the theatre in the mall, and I was okay with whatever because I was going on a date with Maya Matlin! It got me through the day when the team was still mad at me for screwing up our shootout and when I got a 56 on my Math test (yes, it's a pass, but I don't want to risk that 60-average rule).

Maya texted me a while later saying that her older sister had to chaperone, but I didn't have a problem with that. At the movie itself, it wasn't _too _awkward having Katie (that's her name) with us. She let me and Maya sit together, at least. She was on my right. Katie was on my left. That would've been awkward if I was going to kiss Maya through the entire movie, but we weren't going to do that. We did hold hands a little bit at the end and that was it. I don't think Katie was too upset by that.

The movie was good, too. It was sad, but I didn't cry. Maya almost did, though. That's why she held my hand during Oskar's breakdown. I liked The Renter. He was like a best friend to Oskar in some weird way. Katie thought he was a womanizer because he asked his wife to marry him after their first "conversation", which is a little weird I guess. I can see why the movie got nominated for a bunch of awards.

Afterwards, Maya grabbed my arm and ran off away from Katie. I was really kind of nervous at first because Katie doesn't seem like the kind of person you want to mess with. She got fired from being Student Council president because she threw in the party footage at the pep rally to get revenge on her old boyfriend, if that tells you anything. But we hid in the photobooth and took some pictures, and she didn't kill us. I _think_ we almost kissed but I'm really not sure. If we did, then I'm really happy about it! If we didn't, then hopefully we'll have our first almost-kiss soon! Just thinking about it makes me happy.

Anyway, after we found Katie again she drove me home, and I started writing right away.

I really like Maya. I learned a lot about her tonight, like the fact that she must be really close to Katie, she obviously has a _lot_ of guts to run off of Katie like that, and she told me that she doesn't even like hockey … which means she actually likes me! Yes!

I can't wait to see her tomorrow! She is so great! I even went out the night before a _game _for her, so that shows how great she is. She really is great.

* * *

**THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2**

I'm really confused. I thought my date with Maya went really well, but today she asked if we could do a re-date. I didn't even know you had those if the date went bad. Well, apparently you do, because we had a re-date today.

I was going to thank her for a great night this morning when she suggested it, saying I get to pick where we go this time. I didn't have time to say anything unique so I just blurted out the garden I heard Dallas talk about at our last game. I would've invited her to my game tonight but she _just _got through saying that she didn't like hockey last night. Oh, by the way, we won 1-0 in Barrie. Would've been two goals for us but I screwed it up. I actually don't care all that much anymore because I can't get how different Maya was out of my head.

So we had our date after school and she _could not shut up_ about hockey. Seriously, the first thing that happened was her coming up to me with pasta salad and making me eat it so I could be "prepared" for the game tonight. And then she starts bombarding me with questions about who we're playing and where I'm going to end up and where I want to play and for me to explain tons of things to her … it just doesn't make sense at all. She said she didn't like hockey and now everything is all about hockey. And then she accidentally got juice on me and I had to go change before we left for Barrie, and that was that.

Oh yeah, and then she tried to kiss me! I wasn't comfortable with that so turned away just in time. She ended up kissing my ear and it was sort of weird but I didn't want to kiss someone I wasn't sure about.

I don't know, I'm starting to get worried that she just likes me because of hockey. I mean, that's what Brooklyn did. I figured it all out for sure today. After I was talking about re-doing my date with Maya she caught up to me and asked me the usual questions I don't like, and somewhere I just came out and said that I had went on a date with Maya the night before. Then, she just left, and when I got to Math, she kept talking about a whole bunch of Grade 12s on the team that have classes with her brother and how hot they are. She ignored me the whole time. I liked it in one way but disliked it in another.

The point is, I think Maya could've been faking the fact that she doesn't like hockey so I would pay attention to her. I don't care whether she likes it or not, but it's not like it's everything I want to talk about. I can't be with someone who wants to do that, because as much as I like hockey, I need a break from my team because they're not my friends. I thought Maya could do that, but I was wrong.

Whatever, we'll see where this goes.

* * *

**FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3**

Today, Maya was texting her friends about our date re-do in French and our teacher found out and read it out loud. At the time it sounded like she wanted to go on our dates because I could make a lot of money in the NHL someday. I don't know what I think about it right now because she came and talked to me about it afterwards, and said that she didn't know what she was doing.

She's never had a boyfriend and I've never had a girlfriend, so maybe this is the way it's supposed to go? Are we not supposed to _really_ like each other in the first relationship. Because I really, really like Maya … and if she's doing it right and I'm doing it wrong … I don't know. I really just don't know.

She _says _she likes the real me, like when we were hiding in the photo booth from Katie, but I'm not sure which to believe. I've been convinced that she both likes me and doesn't like me and I don't know what to believe. Not knowing makes me really sad.

Sometimes I just get really down and this is one of those times. I don't think Maya caused it, but she maybe could've fixed it. I don't know. I don't know anything because I'm an idiot.

* * *

**SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4**

I really need to talk to Maya. I spent all night thinking and worrying about what she really feels and then I realised that I'm a huge idiot, because I haven't told her how _I_ felt, and that'll make all the difference. The only thing is, I don't even know how I feel, so that's going to be hard.

I guess I could make a list over here to help write what I feel. That's something you can do in journals, right? I'll ask Alessia later but I'll write in it now.

**1**. I was _really _nervous. I'm always really nervous around people, but especially people who I need to impress. And the last time I had to impress people (my team), I totally screwed up and it made me really sad. I'm constantly worried about everything and I don't know what I need to be worried about when it comes to this.

**2**. I've never been on a date with a girl or had a girlfriend or anything and I don't know the rules. I guess she doesn't either, but … I don't know, she seems like she would know better.

**3. **Um, I actually don't have any other reasons. I really like her? Is that a good thing to admit? Because I'm afraid if I admit that she won't feel the same way … that could be another thing I feel. Even though she said she actually likes me for me, but then there was the whole date-redo. I don't know.

Just thinking about saying these things makes me so freaked out. I get that you need to be brave to say these things sometimes but I feel like I have so much less bravery than everyone else. I need to step up if I'm going to do this. Next time I see her, I just got to say all this and see what happens. I might get hurt, but I'm hurting myself by not knowing. Hopefully I can get an answer the next time I see her.


	6. Week 6

_**A/N**: Hello friends! So. It is finally time for the events of Rusty Cage, and we all know what starts happening here. Because of that, I just wanted to give a quick reminder that Cam's going down an unfortunate road and some things might be upsetting as we keep going along. Cam's not going to get into the most finite, in-the-moment details of what he does, but there will obviously be mentions and references, and the themes will be ongoing and increasing throughout the remainder of the story. I trust that you'll all know when to read and when not to read, and that you know when to make the right decisions. Thank you :)_

* * *

**SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5**

I am going to Maya's house today before my game. I need to talk to her. I can't get this out of my mind and I can't wait until school to settle this. I'll try to write what happens in here before my game but it might not be until afterwards. Hopefully things go well …

OH MY GOD THINGS WENT SO WELL! I'm not going to get to the best part right away because I want to tell this like a story!

When I got to Maya's house, Katie answered the door. She asked me what I was doing there and she interrogated me for about 10 minutes, but she finally let me go inside. Maya was busy playing her cello in the other room, and she was really really good! I didn't want to interrupt her so I waited for her to finish, and then I went up to her.

I guess I was so nervous that I didn't realise what I was doing, because I never would've done this otherwise, but I just took the cello and the stick-thing out of her hands and put them on the floor. Then, I grabbed her hands and didn't feel scared or weird or like I was being shocked or anything like that. It felt good, just like when we were at the movies.

And then I tried to explain the things I wrote on my list but I couldn't say anything because all I wanted to do was kiss her, really badly. I don't remember exactly how my thoughts went together at that point but the next thing I know, I just leaned in and kissed her right on the lips! I'm not joking! I kissed her and it felt so cool! I just put my lips on hers and moved them a bit and then it happened!

The best part is, when we stopped the kiss, she smiled at me! I smiled at her, too, but I smiled even more when I found out she was smiling! It just made me very happy to see that she was happy to kiss me too.

I could only stay with her for another half an hour or so because I had to get ready for my game, but we talked and she said she was sorry for acting like a "puck bunny" because that's what she thought I would like. I told her to just keep being herself because that's what I like about her. Before I left she played another song for me and we decided what we "are", and guess what we decided? We are _officially_ boyfriend and girlfriend! I am Maya's boyfriend! I'm so happy! I kissed Maya and I became her boyfriend all in one day! I can't believe this is happening!

I managed to write in this before I left for hockey and I have a feeling that I'm going to have a great game today, now that my confidence is up and I'm happier than I've ever been here in Toronto!

* * *

**MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6**

My game did not go the way it had wanted to. I basically screwed the whole team over, messing up on three breakaways. We lost to Hamilton and they're probably the worst team in the whole league. The team ratted on me throughout the whole game and Dallas gave me a pretty harsh talking-to afterwards about not making dumb decisions that'll make a fool out of the team. I feel really bad because I've damaged the whole team's chances and reputations. It's not even my fault; ever since Kyle Llewellyn got injured they've been overplaying me way too much. My mom even sent me a card and balloons in the mail before the game, which makes me feel even worse because I let her down.

The sports blog run by the media people from the _Toronto Interpreter_ published an article on how I'm the reason we've moved to fourteenth in the league. It sucks.

I tried to talk to Maya (who I still can't believe is actually my girlfriend!) and her friends about it but they kind of laughed it off. They also want me to skip tonight to go to karaoke night with them at Little Miss Steaks, but I told them I have a practice. It makes me sad because I don't want to let them down because they are all so nice, and I don't want to fail on the whole boyfriend thing; maybe even more than I don't want to fail at hockey. I don't even like hockey that much anymore. The team being so mean and being away from my family doesn't make it fun anymore.

Speaking of family, I just got off Skype with my mom. She's the only one who still wants to Skype on a regular basis. I text everyone else (even Emerson, who got textPlus for his iPod) but they've all seen to move on without me and don't really care that much anymore. All except for my mom, of course. She still cares. I'm rambling. I'm still terrible with writing in this.

Anyway, she says that things are going to get better and I'll get out of this rut, and I have to trust her, but it's getting hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I'm actually _scared_ to play now with everyone counting on me to be great. I get so nervous that they'll hate me that I end up screwing up more than usual, and then they hate me even more. It just circles and circles and I can't feel my hands or feet or see where I'm going and I feel like I'm not even anywhere anymore. I'm freaking out just thinking about it.

I have practice in 20 minutes and I have to bus my way to the arena today because Tim and Kelly are working and Brianna is at some daycare. I hate buses too. The amount of strangers really freaks me out. I am so nervous. I don't even want to go at all. I'm so scared.

* * *

**TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7**

This is going to take a while to write because I accidentally cut my right hand really badly, and I'm right handed. Basically, I feel like such a terrible person and a screw up and I can't do anything right at all.

Long story short, I was so scared of going to practice that I made myself puke to get out of it, kind of like I did in Geography last year. I had never done it to get out of hockey before, but it felt worth it when I did it. I ended up going to karaoke night with Maya and her friends and we had a really good time. I even kissed Maya on the lips again. I honestly had a great time but I can't even focus on it right now.

The bloggers from_ The Interpreter_ were at the restaurant and posted something about me singing on their website. The team found out, Dallas bag-skated me for what could've easily been hours (I don't know how long it actually was because I haven't looked at a clock all night) and I feel like crap. Actually, I feel like shit. I tried to have a little fun to distract me from how terrible I feel having to live here and they just made me feel worse about it. I hate everything here. I really hurt my hand by accident and it made everything stop for about ten seconds, but other than that it's just been constant thinking and hurting and it sucks.

Dallas said something to me and I can't get it out of my head: "Like it or not, we're all you have." It's true, though. I have Maya and my billets but the minute something changes for hockey, everything changes for everything else. I don't want hockey to decide my entire life. I don't want hockey to be a part of my life at all. I'm really starting to hate it so much and nobody's catching on to it. I don't want to say anything because I don't want to let people down, but all I want is for somebody to notice and try to fix things because I don't know how much more I can take.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8**

I was really, really down this morning because of what happened last night, but Maya came up to me and tried to make me feel better. I tried to explain to her that I keep messing up but I don't think she really understood it. Either way, she made me suggest to my coach that I should switch from left wing to right because I'm a lot more comfortable that way. I talked to Dallas about it, and he came up to me at the end of the day saying that Coach is okay with it.

I honestly don't care. I Skyped my mom again for advice and she says to take my emotions out on the ice. I don't know if I have any emotions to do that. I just am sick of everything. The only time today I was happy was when I was with Maya, and while she's going to be at the game, I'm not sure if I should use that as my "emotion". Whenever I think of people I care about, it never works out well.

I don't know. I'm just constantly feeling sad or just plain neutral about everything and it's becoming really annoying and frustrating. I guess I'll go play now.

* * *

**THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9**

* * *

**FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10**

It's 2 a.m. and I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. I'm so done with playing hockey and being here and everything. I'm just done.

I ended up getting a hat-trick in my game against Sarnia and won 1st star of the game. When it happened, I cared, but not anymore. I cared when I was playing, I guess. I decided to just treat the game like it was one back home and it became a lot more fun, but then I got ambushed by people from _The Interpreter_ after the game, and that's when it hit me that this was no amateur league. I got so scared that I completely froze and felt like I was dying and I couldn't breathe or do anything.

It never stops. If I play badly, everyone gets mad at me and I get all depressive. If I play well, people pay too much attention to me and I have a panic attack. Why is this happening to me? I used to be fine before I came here. I feel like I'm a stupid baby who can't handle being away from Mommy and Daddy for more than ten seconds. Other people can handle it but I can't.

I almost went home yesterday afternoon, as in my _real_ home. I was home sick because my stomach was killing me and my thoughts keep hurting and I just felt dead, and then I realised that I didn't have to live all lonely. I was packing all my stuff to leave when Maya came to my house and convinced me to stay. I really am grateful for her because I feel like she tries to care. I don't think she understood the extent to how upset I am but I don't want to burden her with that. Sometimes I feel like with her help, I'll be okay.

Other times, I feel like I'm going crazy. I almost tried to cut my hand again after the press came because it somehow it made everything stop last time, but I didn't do it. It ended up making everything worse. It's one thing to get cut by accident but another to cut on purpose. Only psychos cut themselves like that and I'm still sane enough to know there's another way out. I'm not going to become some emo kid because I'm a little sad.

I still need a way out of hockey though. I can't puke again because the team will know I'm faking it again. I can't stay home from school because my stomach ache is gone and it's only my thoughts going nuts. I have another practice tomorrow after school. I'm terrified. I don't want to exist anymore if I have to keep playing. I'll do anything to get out of hockey. Anything.

* * *

**SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11**

* * *

_**A/N**: I _might_ post the next chapter on Thursday or next Saturday instead of the usual Friday - senior prom next week! Hopefully that's okay! Thank you for reading!_


	7. Week 7

_**A/N**__: On time! These next chapters may seem a little filler-y since Cam doesn't make another canonical appearance until Doll Parts __… and that's about a month away. Also, I really tried with the math stuff. I really did._

* * *

**SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12**

* * *

**MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13**

* * *

**TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14**

* * *

I'm starting to feel bad about what I did.

At school on Friday, I came up with an idea. I knew I didn't want to play hockey anymore, but I didn't want to let anyone down by going home. I also knew that the only thing I really like here is Maya. I also-also knew that since Kyle Llewellyn got injured, all he's had to do is show up to the games and stay in the crowd as a "morale booster" or whatever.

So without really thinking, I jumped off the catwalk at school. I heard Dallas say last week you could really hurt yourself that way and miss the rest of the season, so I tried it. I ended up just breaking my arm so I'll only have the cast until April, but Dallas says they usually force the players to go to physio long after they're technically recovered, so I might not have to play until about May. That brings us to playoff season, and that's when even more pressure is going to be added on me. It gives me a little while to prepare for it, I guess.

I have been spending more time with Maya at school, and we hung out a bit on the weekend, and that makes it okay because that's what I wanted. I had a game I had to go to last night and she was with me. There were a bunch of little kids in the arena asking me for autographs and I was fine. Honestly, if she weren't there, I would have had a breakdown right then and there. She doesn't know that, obviously, but I really do appreciate all that.

The reason why I feel bad about breaking my arm on purpose is that I feel like I'm going crazy. I didn't break my arm by accident, even though that's what I've been telling everyone. I did it on purpose. And it hurt like hell. That's probably even worse than cutting yourself because that actually ended up making permanent damage. Cutting just makes you bleed a little, right? But what I did is so much worse, and I didn't even know I was doing it. I mean, I can only jump off a catwalk once. It's not like I'm constantly doing it. I don't know.

Let me start over.

I don't regret getting myself out of hockey. I just wish I could've gotten out of it a different way so I won't keep thinking I'm crazy. If anyone else found out they would think I'm psychotic. I'm really confused all the time. I don't know how I feel anymore.

In other news, it's Valentine's Day. I bought Maya some chocolate in those heart-shaped box things and a card from the store. She got me a gift card to the hockey store. She feels bad about it because she bought it before I broke my arm but I'm completely fine with it. I think those presents are okay. We only started dating. I kissed her again, too. That makes the fourth time. She is so nice and pretty. I like dating her a lot.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15**

My family has all started caring again now that my arm is broken. Even _Justin _Skyped me tonight, and Justin doesn't do that. Nobody thinks I did it on purpose or anything but they're "concerned" that I'm not doing okay. I just told them that I'll have to play again in May and they seemed to shrug it off.

I think they felt bad because they were ignoring me _and _I broke my arm, and not because I broke my arm _because _they were ignoring me. That's not even the case. I don't know why I'm worried they would think that but they might and they shouldn't. I did it to get out of hockey.

It's kind of convenient timing that I got out of hockey now, because my schoolwork has pretty much doubled this past week. In English, we've started _A Midsummer Night's Dream._ I only passed _Romeo and Juliet_ last year because the Leonardo DiCaprio version is Alessia's all-time favourite movie. I've never seen this one. I've never even _heard _of this one. We were assigned partners to discuss the play with, but my partner shows up to class far less than Sam comes to Science. I don't even think he knows my name. His name is Harry, and he already failed this course last year so he probably knows at least something, but I've basically been having to figure it on my own since he's never there. It's not really working.

I've also been working on trig in Math class. That's supposed to be the easiest unit, but I'm terrible. I keep forgetting you're supposed to square everything in the formula so I keep writing _a+b=c_, which is obviously doesn't give me the right results. I _know _what I'm doing wrong, but I never get the right answer anyway. Plus, I can't focus because Brooklyn is talking and talking and _talking _about my one teammate Garrett Farrelly who's been hanging out with her brother. I feel very sorry for him.

That's pretty much been it. The only other thing is that Kelly brings chicken noodle soup up to my room every night since I broke my arm. It's like she thinks I'm sick or something. I'm not.

* * *

**THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 16**

* * *

**FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17**

The school musical opening night is officially one week away. Maya and I bought our tickets at lunch today. Tori and Tristan wanted the whole gang of us to sit together for their "broadway debut", so we have a row with Tori's boyfriend Zig, his friend Damon, and Tori and Tristan's parents and other relatives that I don't remember. I guess that means I'll be sitting nearby Owen Milligan. I haven't really talked to him since I broke my arm, or any of the team other than Dallas. He's still looking out for me, I guess.

There's a game I have to sit through tomorrow night, too. I don't really have anything exciting going on right now. I love that because it was getting really hard handling everything.

* * *

**SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18**

It's Tim's birthday tomorrow and I'm panicking because I still don't know what to get him. I know this is kind of a stupid thing to worry about but it won't leave my head.

I didn't actually leave it to the last minute. I bought him a pack of ties but it didn't hit me that since he's an accountant, he probably already has a lot of ties. Then I got even more worried because my gift clearly didn't come from the heart because I'm a terrible billet son and haven't made any emotional connection to the guy who has fed me and gave me a place to stay in the month and a half I've been here. All the stores are closed now so I have to give him the stupid ties and I feel awful. Like, really awful. I'm shaking and I'm crying and I can feel it in my stomach and it hurts. I also almost had a panic attack sitting at the game and I never really came down from it.

I feel like hurting myself again. It doesn't make things perfect but it makes them stop when I need them to. I don't even care if that makes me psychotic or a loser or whatever. I'm probably not even going to do it; I just want to do it. I'll chicken out before I do anything anyway. I can't even suffer right. I hate everything and everyone but especially me, and I can't do anything about it.


	8. Week 8

_**A/N**: Family Day is just a somewhat pointless Canadian holiday where you're expected to spend time with your … well, I think you get the picture haha. Once again, there will be some brief mentions of mature themes throughout the story, so read what you can :)_**  
**

* * *

**SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19**

I don't really feel like writing. I ended up doing it. My skates were at the end of my bed so I just did one on my hand again. The first one by accident still hasn't fully healed so nobody will suspect anything. It helped me feel better. A lot.

I am so screwed up.

I gave Tim the ties anyway. He said he liked them but I know he didn't.

* * *

**MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20**

Today is the Family Day holiday, so there was no school today. If I did have to go, I probably would have stayed home anyway because I had a really rough day yesterday (in case you couldn't tell).

However, today was much better. I had a three-way video conversation with Justin up in North Bay and the rest of my family back home. It was really good because it just reminded me that I'm not alone. No matter how crazy I feel or how much I am hurting there are still people that love me. I'll keep that in mind the next time I want to do it. I would never want to let them down.

Dad also kept saying he had a "big surprise" but he wouldn't tell me what it is. Everyone else knew, I think. Justin didn't ask a bunch of questions like a smartass, and Mom kept smiling. Alessia and Emerson seemed excited too. Bella was just a regular dog, but she's better than ever.

They said they'll tell me what this "big surprise" is when "the time is right", but I want to know what it is now! It's killing me! I don't even know when they'll tell me, but I already know it's something exciting so I can't wait! I need to write about something else because I don't want to get overly-excited again.

Also today, Brianna gave me one of the cards she made at daycare for the holiday. Inside, it said "Cam is the best hockey brother" twice; once in the daycare helper lady's writing and another in Bri's trying to copy it. I would put in in here but I want to keep it in my hockey bag. She was the first good thing that happened to me when I came to Toronto.

I don't have anything else to say other than I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE SURPRISE IS!

* * *

**TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21**

Nobody at school saw what I did to my hand. I re-bandaged it so nobody would even get the idea, and it worked out. I can't let anybody know because they won't get that it made me feel better. I mean, it hurt, but it just kind of stopped other things in my head. It made me hurt more on the outside than on the inside, so that became my priority.

Writing this out kind of scares me because I didn't even know I thought this until I read it back. I don't even really think when I get like that. Everything goes on autopilot. It's a good thing I don't get bad like that all the time because I feel like I'm losing my mind when I do.

There are good things going on, too! Not everything is sad and awful. I got my French quiz back on l'imparfait, and I got a 78 on it! The only parts I screwed up on were the _ils _and _elles _conjugations, because I keep mixing them up with regular _il _and _elle_, but that'll fix itself over time. I only just learned it, so things will keep going up from there. Maya got an 88 and keeps joking that she's better than me. I say that I'm better at sports than she is, so we're even. I've never actually seen her play, though, so I could be wrong.

I've been spending a lot of time with her and her friend Zig lately. Zig is the lead singer of Maya's band, and is also her friend Tori's girlfriend, but since the musical is this Friday, she has to keep rehearsing during lunches and after school. He said he tried to watch the rehearsals a few times, but Tori kept brushing him off. He also said she probably loves that musical more than she loves him, but that's clearly not true. It's just crunch time, like when I would spend time away from people the night before a game. Zig's really nice, though. Just a little lonely.

So, Maya and I have been trying to include him when we hang out. Sometimes his friend Damon comes along, but he skips school a lot; about in between the times Sam and Harry skip. We all just hang out and talk and just try to make sure Zig doesn't feel neglected by Tori. I hope it's working. He seems to have fun.

I also kissed Maya again today. It was in the garden where she kissed me on the ear that first time, and it was after Zig left. I also put my hand in her hair a bit. It was cool.

The team also won their game tonight against Belleville! I actually forget the score, but I know Luke Baker got a goal. I might not be friends with anyone on the team, but I like that they're all happy. I'm doing what I can to be happy too.

I also want to know what the big surprise is from home! I just wish they would tell me already! I'm so excited and it might be nothing at all! Hopefully I'm not giving my hopes up!

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22**

I was texting my Dad today and he told me what the special news is! He's going to try to bring the family all the way down here to see a game! He obviously knows I won't be playing because of my arm, but he figured Alessia and Emerson would like to see a real OHL game. They're going to drive down really early Saturday morning so they'll be here in time for the 7:30 start. Then, they're going to book a hotel for the night and stay Sunday, and then they'll drive home late that night. The kids won't be going to school on Monday but I don't think they'll mind! Justin and the dog can't come, but that's okay! I'm so excited!

I can't wait to introduce them all to my billets and to Maya! I guess I'll have to show them the team too, but they won't make fun of me if I'm with my family. I'm going to tell them about how I got a great girlfriend and how I did score a hat-trick when it mattered and how Maya's band is going to submit to the district-wide Battle of the Bands and maybe we'll all go see another Romeo and Jules performance together on Sunday! I haven't made a full plan yet because I've been too busy freaking out!

Maya says she can't wait to meet my family! I told her all about them before, and now she finally gets to meet them in person! This is so awesome! Everything is ending in exclamation marks because I'm so excited! I actually danced around in my bedroom a little bit because I was so excited! I am just so excited!

* * *

**THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23**

This weather has been crazy! Last week it was warm and sunny but it's been cold and rainy and it's supposed to get even colder by the end of the week! I know the weather is always unpredictable this time of year but I had hoped it would stay kind of warm! It's usually a lot colder back up in Kapuskasing, though. That's one thing I like about being here.

Nothing really happened today, other than me freaking out because my family is coming to see me this weekend! When I was with Maya and Zig at lunch, they kept smiling and laughing because I was so excited! They could have even have been making fun of me but I wouldn't have cared because I am just so happy! I love my family so much and I miss them more than I like most things here, so being re-united with them is going to be the best!

Musical tomorrow as well! I know it's going to be great!

* * *

**FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24**

Romeo and Jules was awesome! Tristan did a really good job. They almost had to find a last-minute understudy for him but he managed to perform in time. Tori did a good job too. The other actors also did well but I don't know any of their names.

I talked to Mom on Skype before I left and the plans are all set for tomorrow! They're leaving at 4 a.m. to come here, which makes me kind of feel bad because I don't want to make them tired. However, I am excited to see them, so I don't feel so bad after all. They could sleep in the car if they need to, except for my dad, who will be driving.

I'm so happy I get to see them again! I've been having a hard time the past little while, obviously. I know they love me more than anything and it will be good to have that reminder in person. Maybe this'll be enough to help me get back in my zone, so I'll be excited to get back to hockey when my arm gets better, and I won't have my psychotic moments where I want to cut myself and stuff like that. I don't want to tell them all this because I don't want to worry them or think I'm crazy, but I hope they'll know that they're going to help me somehow.

I won't be seeing them until I'm at the arena tomorrow night, but I still want to get a good sleep! Tomorrow is going to be a good day!

* * *

**SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25**

I got a text at 4:46 this morning saying that a major snowstorm hit overnight from Hearst all the way to Haileybury, and Kapuskasing is dead smack in the middle of there. They couldn't even make it to Timmins so there's no way they could've made it to Toronto. Or at least that's what I'm told.

I don't care if they're being honest or not because the point is they don't care enough to really try. They could've taken the train if they really wanted to make it down here that bad, but clearly it's not important enough. They don't care and I don't want to care either. I shouldn't put so much effort into people who don't love me the way I love them, but I can't make it go away.

Realising that they don't love me as much as I thought keeps throwing me off. I don't feel like I'm me half the time. I've just been crying and trying to stop hyperventilating and get back in my body again. If I feel it starting up again, I scratch myself until I get distracted. When it got worse, and it always did, I also tried making cuts up high on my arms (so nobody else can find out when I'm wearing t-shirts) and they just worked for a short time. I've been putting pressure on my bad arm as much as I can because that helps the most, but it always comes back. I don't care if it won't make it heal properly; anything to throw it off for a bit. But it doesn't stop. This night has been hell and I don't have a family to cry to about it because they can't handle a little bit of snow.

Tim, Kelly and Brianna figured that they shouldn't waste those extra tickets so they went to the game instead without me. I puked to get out of going since they never found out about the first time and I really don't think it will kill them to miss an injured player in the stands. I've just been at home all by myself trying to make everything stop again. It keeps coming back. If it doesn't stop soon, I don't know what there's left to do that'll make it all stop. I'm going to be stuck in this fucked-up place where I have no control forever and knowing that makes it 100 times worse. I'm getting so bad. I need to stop writing because it hurts too much. Everything hurts too much.


	9. Week 9

_**A/N**: Just as a timeline reminder, we're in the week between Scream and Building a Mystery :)_

* * *

**SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26**

My parents actually called me today to say they were sorry. The snow is pretty much melted now but it's too late to come down now. They're "sorry".

They only called because Kelly came into my room last night. I'm not an idiot. Thankfully she only saw me crying and not doing anything else.

I don't know how many times I hurt my bad arm. I cut myself four times between my shoulder and my elbow on my good arm. That way nobody will see. I don't even care.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow or do anything ever again. I just want to lay in my bed until I die from starvation or whatever finally actually kills me.

* * *

**MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27**

BRiA NNA LU CY CLAR

KSON

B

1234 55 66666 7 8

* * *

**TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28**

Thank god I found this. It was in Brianna's room on her bookshelf. She was in my room yesterday morning for a couple minutes and I couldn't find it after school. I almost lost control freaking out about it but luckily it didn't get too bad before I found it.

That was such a close call, though. At first I was scared that she read it when she wrote in it, but then I remembered that she is only three-almost-four. However, imagine if she wanted her mom or dad to read her a bedtime story and they found this. They would know I'm absolutely crazy and send me to a hospital, and then the team would make fun of me even more, Maya would break up with me, and my family would care even less.

I need to come up with a better hiding spot for this. Otherwise, I'll be a lot worse off than I am now.

Today, Maya asked me if I wanted to see Romeo and Jules again tonight, and I told her no. It was a very good musical, but I said no because I just didn't feel like it. I've been kind of out of things since my family stayed back. I don't think I've paid attention in class all week so far. It's been a different kind of week anyway since there's been a few musical performances during class times so the students in it are gone, but even still, it's been tough.

I really don't care about school that much anymore. I don't like hockey either and I'm not even playing. I have Maya and I want her to understand that I'm sad, but she doesn't. That makes me even sadder because I'm not sure if she understands that I just need space for a bit.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 29**

* * *

**THURSDAY, MARCH 1**

It's Tristan's birthday today, and since they only had a day-show of the musical for elementary school kids, we all went to see The Woman In Black tonight. I was going to skip out, but I felt bad for making Maya go alone to R&J the other night. She ended up sitting with Zig that night and she said she was fine, but I just wanted to make sure.

The movie was okay, it had a good plot but it wasn't all that scary. Tori was pretending to be terrified the whole time, though. I think it was to get Zig's attention. It worked. Maya tried the same thing, but I know she isn't afraid of _actually _scary movies, so I didn't really buy into it. I don't get why she would pretend to do that. She's not one to normally be an attention-seeker.

I didn't kiss Maya tonight. I like to kiss her when I'm happy and I'm not. I haven't kissed her since we saw the musical together, because that was before everything went away.

It probably would have been a good night if I didn't keep going back to my parents. They don't care enough to see me, or to Skype me (once again, they ignored me after the excitement of me breaking my own arm wore off), or to make me feel better when I'm sad. When I text them, I keep saying I had a bad day, and they're just not getting how many bad days I'm having in a row. Nobody is, really.

I keep wanting to do something again. "Something" is code for something in particular, obviously. I just don't want to write it. When it was spontaneous it was one thing, but I'm actually _planning_ it … I know I'm doing all this, but it hasn't hit me yet, and I don't want it to, because I want it to go away before then. I was going to write what I want to do but now I'm getting freaked out by it, and now I'm going to stop writing.

* * *

**FRIDAY, MARCH 2**

I will write this quickly because I need to write this down, but I don't want to remember everything while I write it. The hockey skate was becoming a bit too much because it's sort of awkward, so I broke apart an old razor and tried those. I did one up towards the top of my arm again before I realised what I was doing. It felt kind of different, so at first I was interested. I felt so bad about what I did that I did another one, which logically doesn't make sense, but I didn't really think when I did it. I stopped after that but I don't know why. I'm kind of thankful but I'm not at the same time because it wasn't enough to help.

My English teacher says I need to show versus tell when I write, but I don't want to describe everything because that'll make me feel worse.

* * *

**SATURDAY, MARCH 3**

My doctor called my billets this morning saying that they're going to take my cast off on March 28th. That should be easy to remember because that's my Mom's birthday, and part of my present would be making her proud. She wants me to play hockey, and this'll be the start of it. Of course, after that I'll probably have physio like Dallas said and might be out for _another_ precautionary six or seven weeks, but it's a start.

I'm excited to get the cast off because it's itchy and is starting to smell a little bit. I'm not excited because that means hockey is soon. I won't describe all that because I have no new feelings, but I just want to play less and less.

I feel like I'm in a rut. I just feel tired all the time because I can hardly sleep and I don't feel like doing much of anything. I don't even want to write much anymore because it's not helping, it's kind of becoming annoying. That's something Alessia didn't tell me - how little writing in this actually does.


	10. Week 10

_**A/N:**__ I have a feeling that people will ask: I did _not _write in this new format because I was lazy/this was last minute. I wrote this chapter a month before it was posted, so I would have had plenty of time to add to it if I wanted to, haha. I just felt that Cam would've reached this sort of rut in his writing, and as a writer I'm driving him to keep going any way he can! I know it's less exciting, but I'm trying to make it as Cam-esque as possible based off his current state._

* * *

**SUNDAY, MARCH 4**

I'm still writing in this thing because I was texting Alessia last night, and apparently bailing on the whole concept is not the right thing to do. She said even if I can't think of anything exciting, I still have to write at least three things down. It can be in point form if I have to. Eventually it'll all get so easy that I can write paragraphs on anything.

I would consider this to be an "exciting event", so I don't have to write anything else down for now. Today was a very generally boring day otherwise.

* * *

**MONDAY, MARCH 5**

I don't have anything special to write about, so I'm going to try the point form thing.

**- **Classes are back to normal again because Romeo and Jules is done. Weird seeing everyone involved back in their regular schedules. Halls seem emptier without posters with show times on them, and not seeing random people coming through school for musical reasons

**- **Learning the parabola stuff again in Math, test next Thursday. Don't understand anything. Kids in class do but not me. Math teacher said we could study at lunch if necessary but don't want to because I'm scared for no reason.

**- **Maya's band playing at fundraiser this Friday. Told her I would go but not sure if I really want to. Love her music but not idea of crowds

That's all that happened today. I like the idea of writing in point form better because you don't expect the writing to be any good. It's pretty much required to have bad grammar.

* * *

**TUESDAY, MARCH 6**

**- **Brooklyn actually "dating" Garrett Farrelly now. Poor guy

**- **It's the girl who helped me out in the bathroom that one time's birthday. Saw Dallas talk to her in the hall today. I didn't say anything because we're not friends

**- **Need to cancel all non-existent plans on March 17 because of Brianna's birthday. Party being thrown at the house. Wish it wasn't

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7**

Something actually important happened today, so I'm going to write it in paragraph form. Today in my English class I got a "special talking to" by my teacher. She came up to me after class and told me stay a while. I was fine with it because it meant I got to get out of Math, and since I don't understand anything, I don't want to be there. As it turns out, I probably would've preferred the class over the talk.

My teacher asked me if I was doing "okay" because my "grades were slipping" and I was "participating less" (which makes no sense, since I never participated to begin with) and other general stuff. Then she asked if there was anything going on in my life that we needed to talk about and then I got really freaked out. I knew I was hitting a rough patch but I'm not that bad! Now other people are thinking I'm going crazy, and that terrifies me because I don't want them to overreact if they find out what I've been doing.

I tried to lie and say I was totally fine, but I was kind of in my "panic zone" so she figured it out. I told her that I was homesick and missing my family, which is so, so true, but obviously not everything that's going on. I think that threw her off enough because she just said she'll book a guidance appointment _if_ I need it in the future, so I guess I'm good. I just need to make sure I don't look any worse than what she thought and then I won't have to go.

I guess that's it. I have to practice being okay and then people won't be on my case about it. I got so freaked out by the whole conversation that I banged my bad arm on the lockers on purpose on the way to my next class to get me to calm down. How's that for proving a point?

* * *

**THURSDAY, MARCH 8**

**- **Maya's acting weird again. Keeps acting flirty all the time when I'm trying to do homework. Don't want to tell her no because it could hurt her feelings. Wish she would give me a break anyway

**- **Hate this new rule of having to write in this every day. Can't think of anything

**- **That's it

* * *

**FRIDAY, MARCH 9**

Tonight was Maya's show for the fundraiser. Part of me really wanted to go because I love her music, and she's a really good girlfriend but … I'm just not feeling up to it. There was going to be way too many people there and I had a wicked stomach ache and all my thoughts keep blurring.

Like, I know I get scared of being in places with a lot of people because I think they'll judge me, especially if they get to know me, but when I'm in the moment, I don't think that. I just picture me in a mental hospital all alone with no family or friends because of all that's happened. And the scariest part is that it could all come true.

I'm starting to panic again about that. I'm also panicking because I let Maya down for not seeing her show. I feel like the worst boyfriend but I don't know how to make all this stop.

* * *

**SATURDAY, MARCH 10**

**- **Got a call from Ice Hounds GM saying my average is in the "danger zone". Need to step up or I fail everyone even more

**- **Cut myself again last night because I'm a shitty boyfriend and person. Still can be hidden under t-shirt but getting risky.

**- **I want to go home or be happy or be dead. Whichever comes first


	11. Week 11

_**A/N**: Thank you for reading!_

* * *

**SUNDAY, MARCH 11**

* * *

**MONDAY, MARCH 12**

I was texting Alessia again yesterday and she says I don't actually have to write in this every day, which made me mad because it took me forever to write in some of those points. That's the reason why I didn't write in this yesterday; just to prove a point of my own.

I do have some other things to add today, as well. I found out today that the team has no scheduled games for the spring break at the end of April, which is also when all the university kids get out. This means I get to go back home for a week right when Justin gets back! It'll be a great family reunion and I'm counting down the days until then. Right now, it's 46 days until I leave. I can't wait. I'm holding on to that because I don't have much else left.

I had Maya, but recently it's like she's another person. She keeps calling me and wanting me to hold her hand and give her attention, and that's not like her at all. And she keeps asking me what I think about things that I know nothing about. For example, at lunch she was saying that her bass player's girlfriend dumped him this morning, and asked me my opinion on it. I don't know either of them, how am I supposed to answer that? I don't understand why she'd ask me about breakups with strangers. It's very different from the Maya I have a crush on.

Another thing that happened was her inviting herself over when I told her I needed to study for my Math test on Thursday. I started doing the review questions, and then fifteen minutes later she's in my room with a guitar. I like her singing and she's very good, but I don't want my average to go down because that way everyone will be mad at me for failing. I told her I needed a break and she kept wanting to kiss me, and she even took her shirt off! I had no clue what was going on and the next thing I knew she left! At the time, I didn't know what was going on, but now I understand that she wants to "go further", and I'm not ready for that.

That actually really scares me. I really like her, but I think she wants to do stuff like, sexually. We've only been dating for a little over a month, how can she think we're ready for that? I'm only fifteen, and she's only fourteen! Then again, I know all the guys from the team have already done at least some "stuff". I remember Dallas saying that I would have "no idea what happened between him and his girlfriend" when they were fifteen. I just don't want to think about that.

I'm terrified that if she finds out I don't want to do that, that she'll break up with me, and I don't want that because she is really important to me. I need to stop writing and keep studying.

* * *

**TUESDAY, MARCH 13**

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14**

Maya called me from a pageant she's doing with Tori and broke up with me. I can't stop crying. I don't know what I did wrong because I never even said anything to her about the sex stuff but something must've happened because she doesn't want to date me any more.

I fucked up big time and I don't even know what I did. I feel like such an idiot because there's nothing I can do to fix it. I obviously wasn't good enough for her and I couldn't make her happy, and that hurts so badly because that's all I ever wanted to do for her.

Everything is spinning and I can hardly breathe and I've been trying to make it all stop but it's just making everything go faster. Every time I make another bruise or cut I just feel worse but eventually it reaches a point where everything finally goes away. I just want to find it so bad that it scares me when it doesn't come.

But I really do deserve it. I feel like an idiot for thinking she actually liked me at all and giving my hopes up like that. I thought she was going to make me happy but she doesn't want to do what makes me happy, and I can't control emotions. If I could control them, I would make me happy without having to hurt myself along the way, because even though that ends up making me happy, it also makes me want to die.

I don't even know _what_ I did wrong but I know I did _everything _wrong and I wish it would all go away because I need Maya more than anything. I don't know what to do.

* * *

**THURSDAY, MARCH 15**

Last night was not good. I didn't clean up any of the blood after I did it so I had to toss my bedsheet in the wash before school to wipe off some of the bloodstains. I feel bad about doing this to myself, but I feel worse about living my life without a solution. It's not the _only _way to solve a situation, but it's the only way I am able to handle it right now.

I've found a new way to calm me down throughout the day if I need one of those remedies. As long as the cuts up high on my arm are still kind of fresh, I can just kind of casually rub my shoulder and it makes them hurt all over again. It's not the same as re-opening the cuts, or making new ones, but … wow, I can't believe I'm using these type of words right now. Anyway, it still hurts in a way that can get me to stop if I'm in a minor episode. I would do that every time I felt bad about myself because of Maya.

Today at school wasn't fun either. It's normally not good at all, but it was especially worse because of the whole Maya situation. The team was nice and supportive about it when they heard what happened (because I needed somewhere to sit at lunch), and they didn't tease me or anything. It was good, but I know it was only because they felt they had to, and it wasn't genuine.

I also tried talking with Maya before she had to leave for another one of her pageants. She really is a completely different person now, and it makes me so sad. She thinks I don't like her anymore because I never called her pretty or showed her how much I care, and I didn't know how I could've done that? Do I just come out and say that she's beautiful? I'm worried that she won't believe me. It's like when someone compliments me and I

I'm not going to finish that sentence because something incredible happened before I could finish it! When I was writing this, somebody knocked on the door and I went to go get it. It was Maya crying. At first I didn't see that she was upset, so I was just confused, but when I saw her crying I got really scared. I wanted to help her and I knew that I probably couldn't, but she asked me to forgive her for being different and stuff. I accepted it, and I told her I was sorry for not showing her how special she is to me, and I promised that I would find a way to show her. She also said that she didn't really want to do anything sexual, which made me feel a _lot _better, but she did want to try a little more kissing, which we did try, and it was good.

So it looks like we're back together! It's a great thing because she makes me so happy.

I'm really glad things worked out. I don't even care that I probably failed my Math test. I really feel like she can help me get to the kind of happy I was before I got here, and that could take a lot of work.

* * *

**FRIDAY, MARCH 16**

I had a good day. I was really nervous about showing Maya how much I cared in public, but nobody really made fun of me. I still am nervous, though, because after the while the team might be mean again. Plus, I don't want to embarrass Maya or do anything to upset her because I don't want to hurt her again. I also don't want her to break up with me again.

I've also lost count on how many times we've kissed, which is a bit weird since I know it was only seven the other day. It's not like we spent the whole time making out or anything, but when I felt happy, instead of just _feeling _happy, I would kiss her and _show_ that I was happy. And that seemed to make her happy too. I think if I save up all these happy feelings that they would come in handy when I'm having a sad day.

Also, Tori won the pageant! I'm happy for her, too. I think Zig was in total shock about it all day, haha.

* * *

**SATURDAY, MARCH 17**

Today was Brianna's fourth birthday, and there was a party at the house. I was nervous about having her relatives come over because they're all strangers, but Maya came over to keep me company. She has a nephew of her own, so she was really good with Bri and the other little ones. Whenever I got a little scared, I never felt like I had to be happy the painful way. I just had to hold her hand and she would calm me down. She doesn't even realise all she's doing for me. She really is so special, and I'm glad I can find a way to show her now.


	12. Week 12

_**A/N**: Finally, a_ very_ Camaya-esque chapter! I had a lot of fun writing this one!_

* * *

**SUNDAY, MARCH 18**

Today, instead of Maya hanging out with me, I hung out with her, if that makes sense. I spent time doing things she wanted to do instead of tagging along doing the things I like. I like this idea a lot better because I get to see what she likes to do. I learned a lot about Maya today that I didn't know in the whole month and a half we've been dating.

First off, she has a _huge _celebrity crush on Joseph Gordon Levitt. She says she likes me more, and I believe her because she actually knows me, but she has this whole book full of facts about him. She's already decided that we're going to see _The Dark Knight Rises_ together as soon as it comes out, which means I'm going to have to watch the other _Batman _movies before then.

I also learned that Maya wants to be a member of some big orchestra thing in New York. She told me the name of it, but I forget. Her parents are still a little on the fence about it, but she knows she wants to at least try it, and if she doesn't like it, she'll find out when she gets there. I told her it was good of her to follow her dreams, but I secretly hope she has a back-up plan. I wish I had thought of a back-up for hockey.

Also, she really does want to watch _LOST_. I know this is what "she" told me earlier, but the real her actually does want to see what the big deal is. I still haven't finished them, so I'm going to re-watch the first few with her and then just finish the rest of the season together too. We didn't start yet, because as I wrote before, today was her day.

What we actually _did_ today was go shopping. Not at the mall for clothes, but to the grocery store for food. We were going to just hang out, but her dad needed somebody to pick up some food for company he was having tonight. They live close to a supermarket, so we walked there and bought some stuff.

After that, we went to a park and just sat on a bench. It was a nice day. It's been really warm lately, which is better compared to all the snow we got in February. We just talked for a bit until we got tired of talking, and Maya rested her head on my shoulder. She said she goes here when she wants to be happy. I asked her why she wasn't happy. She said she was _very _happy, but she wanted a different kind of happy when she came here, and now she was sharing it with me. We sat there for a long time until my billets called and wanted me to watch Bri for the night, so we left.

I really hope she's telling the truth about being happy because she really deserves it. I also hope she gets that different happy she needs when she goes to the park.

* * *

**MONDAY, MARCH 19**

I told Maya that I needed some down-time after hanging out with her for a few days in a row, and she said that was okay since I was still putting in the "effort". We still sat together at lunch and did French work together and I gave her a kiss, but I feel it was less than what she deserved. I just feel bad because I can't be enough for her sometimes.

I'm not in one of those moods where I want to hurt myself or do anything like that, but I just feel kind of down. I would feel down if I was with Maya too right now, but this way I won't be bringing her down too. I hope she already knows that I'm not this confident guy who can do so much for her, because I can hardly do anything for myself, and it makes me so sad in a way where I'm not even crying.

I almost wish I was crying so I could have something wrong with me and I could get help, but I'm in an in-between where nothing can happen and it's getting harder to deal with everything because of that.

* * *

**TUESDAY, MARCH 20**

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21**

I love how Maya can cheer me up. I had a pretty hard day and night yesterday where I _almost _did something, but not quite hard enough to actually do something. It kept me pretty sad in the morning. The first thing Maya did when she saw me was give me a kiss on the cheek, and everything got better. I was ready to be all "cute" with her again and she knew it as well, and she held onto my hand from then until the end of French class without stopping. If we weren't just watching a movie in class, she probably would have stopped holding it to do work, but still.

I don't know if she knew I was sad, but I made sure she knew I was happy afterwards. I always mess up my words when I try to say things but I just wrote her a quick note that thanked her. It wasn't that big a deal of a note, I think it literally just said "You make me really happy. You're the best. Thank-you." with a little drawing of a heart on it, but she liked it a lot hung it up in her locker. I wish I could have been able to write more because I feel a lot more than that, but I got a lot more out than I could have by speaking. It's easier to write than to talk, but I'm still not very good at either.

I'm almost afraid to tell her how I feel because I worry sometimes that it won't be enough. Like, if I tell her she's so important to me, she might compare what I say to what I do, and then she'll be upset because I can't do very much for her. But then if I tell her I can't do very much, she'll think I'm crazy, and I don't want her to think that. With what I've told her so far, she's been happy, so hopefully I'll be able to keep it that way.

* * *

**THURSDAY, MARCH 22**

* * *

**FRIDAY, MARCH 23**

I got my Math test back and I didn't do so well. I failed it, and I'm starting to get worried about my average. It was already pretty close to the 60-limit, and I don't want to be put on probation for when my arm gets better. I know I hate hockey, but my parents are the kind of people who want me to do well in school. They'd rather I kill myself to stop playing hockey than get really bad grades and forced to stop.

My cast comes off in just under a week. I won't be put back right away because of physio which buys me some time, but I need to make sure I can bring it up, and soon. I want to make my family happy even before I am happy, and I need to study hard to make that happen.

I don't have any homework this weekend, so I don't have anything to catch up on just yet, but I almost wish I did so I could get a head start on things. I have to wait until Monday to start fixing things up, and it scares me.

I don't know what else to write here. I'm just really, really nervous and scared that I won't be able to live up to expectations.

* * *

**SATURDAY, MARCH 24**

Maya is so sweet. I only cut myself once last night because of the school stress but I was still in a really bad mood this morning. I called Maya and asked her to keep me company, and when she came over I told her about the school part. She suggested that she tutor me, but we only have French together and that's my best subject. If anything, I'll need help with Math or Science. My English mark is okay. We're almost done our Shakespeare unit so it should go up on its own.

Since Maya can't tutor me for those classes, she suggested I could get a student tutor arranged by the guidance office. They're juniors and seniors who volunteer a few hours a week in a specific subject. Maya said she'll go with me on Monday to fill out a form to sign up for it. I think she knew I would be nervous about going by myself.

After that, we watched episodes one and two of _LOST_, but I wasn't really watching. I was just thinking. At first, I was thinking about good things, like Maya. Then, I started thinking about bad things, like the fact that I cut myself when I get in a scary place that I can't get out of, and thinking about that brought me to that scary place. I tried rubbing my cut arm for a bit, but then I knew it was easier to have Maya in my arms. That way, I could still feel a little bit of pain, but I could also feel happiness of having her near me.

I like her a lot. She helps make me happy.

* * *

_**A/N:**__ As a disclaimer, _The Dark Knight Rises _came out in July and wouldn't have been something Maya and Zig would've been able to see in Zombie. It was just the closest release to fit the show's timeline since there was no actual JGL film out in June, haha._


	13. Week 13

_**A/N**: I just wanted to take the time to thank all the reviewers. Whether you're a "faithful" reviewer or just stop by to leave a comment once or twice, it really means a lot. You guys are wonderful :)_

* * *

_**SUNDAY, MARCH 25**_

* * *

**MONDAY, MARCH 26**

Maya and I went to the guidance office today at lunch. The counsellors were all busy so I wasn't able to check my average with them just yet. However, whether I'm on probation or not, I need to bring up my grades.

On the form to sign up for tutoring, you need to pick a specific class you need help in, so I picked Science because that's probably my lowest grade. We're working on the chemistry unit and I am _completely _lost. All I know is that the equations need to be balanced, but I don't understand _why _the equations need to be balanced. I don't know what the equations even mean. I don't even know what the elements are. I failed this unit last year.

I slipped the note in the guidance mailbox, and they'll send back information to my homeroom when they have a tutor for me. Hopefully I can get one soon, because I have a test next Tuesday and right now I'm screwed.

* * *

**TUESDAY, MARCH 27**

Last night, a few hours after I finished writing, the Ice Hounds GM called and announced that my average went down to 57 and that I'm officially on academic probation. They're not going to reveal the reason or anything, but I'll be listed out under "personal reasons" starting next game. I knew it was coming and everything, but I was still freaked out by it. I was especially freaked out by what I was going to tell my parents. I managed to calm myself down without cutting this time, but I really hurt my bad arm by banging it. It made me feel better though.

I get my cast off tomorrow. I'm also Skyping home tomorrow for Mom's birthday, so I guess I'll have to tell my parents then. I'm nervous about it, but I'll also tell them that I'm getting a tutor and that I'll be working really hard to get back in the game.

Maya's really understanding about it, too. She doesn't think less of me because I'm not smart or anything, which is what I was worried about. She also stays with me to keep me company when I do my homework and tries what she can when it comes to help me with the stuff she knows from her Grade 9 classes. It's actually a little bit helpful, too, but I still need a full tutor. Plus, after I'm done working (and I really _do _work), we get to hang out. And kiss.

I'm more comfortable with the whole kissing thing now. It's kind of uncomfortable to write it down, but I'll try to explain it. We've been doing a lot of kissing. Nothing more than that, but it's still what I'm comfortable with. Today we even tried, um, tongues. That's so weird to write. It was even weirder to do. I'm not sure if I liked it or not, but I do like Maya, so it still made me happy.

I can't wait to have my cast taken off! So close now!

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28**

I got to see my family again today for my mom's birthday. They all look so happy. I'll be arriving back in Kapuskasing in exactly a month, so I hope they stay happy so some of that "extra" happiness rubs off on me.

Today my mom turns 47, and she still looks pretty young. She doesn't look like she's 20 or anything, but she doesn't look as old as she is. My dad turned 48 in the winter and he looks about that. Emerson also got his hair cut, so he looks a little different. Alessia and Bella look the same and Justin's still at university so I didn't see him. I look the same too, I think, except I don't have a cast anymore.

Speaking of the cast, when I got it taken off, I found out some good news: my arm didn't fully heal, so I'm technically still on injury probation instead of academic probation! That way, I didn't have to tell my parents that I'm not doing so well in school and they won't be embarrassed of me! I think banging my arm to calm me down a bunch of times is what did it. I didn't even think about that until a few minutes ago. It wasn't bad enough to re-cast it, but I have to go to specific special physio place until it heals, which buys me some time to get my grades up so my parents don't have to know. Also, I was worried that my doctor might've seen some of my cuts when I got it off (since I had to roll up my t-shirt sleeves extra high), but I don't think he did because he didn't say anything.

It was cool to wash my arm again. I know that's a weird thing to enjoy, but it's been almost two months since I got to do that.

* * *

**THURSDAY, MARCH 29**

Today I got a slip from the guidance office with some information on the tutoring program. My tutor's name is Alli and she's in Grade 11. She's going to meet me from 6 until 7 every Monday night from now until exams, and if I need her in the last semester, I can re-apply then. She's apparently one of the best Science students in the whole school, or at least that's what my teacher told me when I said I'm getting tutoring.

Oh, guess what's new? Brooklyn and Garrett broke up. She was "devastated". I know what it's like to be dumped by someone you like, but I really don't think Brooklyn ever really liked Garrett. It's wrong to make assumptions, but I can't help it. Plus, when I saw her in the hallway at lunch crying really dramatically on another teammate's shoulder, I guess that's what she was trying to end up with in that situation. I feel sort of bad that thinking her pain was kind of funny, because I also think that's what other people think with me. I don't know why I kept writing in this because I'm starting to get freaked out by my own thoughts and I'm going to stop now.

* * *

**FRIDAY, MARCH 30**

* * *

**SATURDAY, MARCH 31**

I just read over what I wrote the other day. I'm not sure how my thoughts escalated from that, but afterwards I just went through the standard panic progression and I ended up doing something bad. It's getting ridiculous. Pretty much, if I don't have Maya with me to distract me, I lose it with everything.

For example, yesterday we went to one of her bandmates' first volleyball game. I was okay with the crowds and the people and the noises and stuff, but when Maya left for a few minutes to use the bathroom, I kept imagining that everyone around me could see my cuts even though my sleeves would cover it and that they all thought I was an absolute psycho and they would tell everyone about that. Looking back, I know it was stupid because they were all watching the game, but I didn't feel safe until Maya came back.

There's just something about her. I'm still trying to figure out what it is, but I know that she has this sort of calming ability. I don't feel scared when I'm with her. Maybe it's because I have nothing to be afraid of when I'm with her. We like each other for who we are and she's not going to leave me if I do something wrong. She hasn't left me since I got out of hockey, or when my grades went down, so I don't feel like I need to pretend with her. I don't know how that calms me down, but I'm thankful it does, because I don't know how much worse I would be without her.


	14. Week 14

_**A/N**__: I like to think I know a little more about Chemistry than Cam does__…but not by much, haha._

* * *

**SUNDAY, APRIL 1**

Maya and I broke up.

April Fools!

I didn't think of any pranks to pull today so I thought I would try in here. I just read it over and I am not very funny.

* * *

**MONDAY, APRIL 2**

I had my first tutoring session with Alli today, and she was really nice, but a few things didn't go as planned.

First off, she was 15 minutes late because of another project or assignment or something. I know she's very busy because she's trying to get through two grades at once, but I still needed to get my lesson in.

Secondly, right after we start, she gets up and tries to leave after only teaching me one thing. I almost panicked because I had only somewhat learned the first ten elements on the periodic table at that point, and I needed to learn all about single-something-somethings and the double-things and the Banting-Richards or whatever diagrams with the protons and stuff for the test. I got her to stay, but she kept wanting to leave and I felt I didn't learn as much as I could have. I did learn what all those things I mentioned above do, but I don't remember what they're actually called, which could be a problem for tomorrow.

When she did leave after the hour, she said she would e-mail me worksheets to study from, but I haven't gotten them yet. I'm kind of starting to panic now. We did end up learning a lot, but I'm still worried. I did the math, and then asked Maya to check to make sure, and I need to get around a 64 to get off probation. Since my science teacher still uses letter grades, that's between a C and a C+. I'm going to say up as late as I can to study and hope this goes for the best.

* * *

**TUESDAY, APRIL 3**

I studied until midnight, and then I got too tired to study from the book, but not tired enough to go to sleep. Whenever I got scared for the test, I would just recite the first 20 elements, which were all the elements I need to know for the test, and how many "valence" electrons there were (I managed to learn that word too) for each of the atoms. That was about as much torture as some of my other relaxation methods are, ha ha.

When I actually got into writing the test, a lot of it was multiple choice and matching, and I actually think I did pretty well on it. The fill in the blanks were okay, since I also learned they're called single-displacement reactions and double-displacement reactions, but I forgot a lot of other stuff. The Bohr-Rutherford diagrams weren't exactly as easy as I had hoped, and I didn't even do the long question at the end because I ran out of time, and that was worth 15 marks.

I think I did good enough to get that C. I have never studied more in my life, and I have never needed to pass more in my life. I find out if I pass on Monday.

Maya made me a little card and gave it to me after I finished the test because she knew I was so worried about it. It's in my locker and it has a bunch of butterflies on it. I don't really like butterflies but I like the card.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, APRIL 4**

I had physio today. It was kind of boring, so I won't talk about it, but I just thought I would write it in anyway.

* * *

**THURSDAY, APRIL 5**

Today Kelly starts her maternity leave. I didn't realise how soon it was until she would have the baby. I could tell it was soon, obviously, but you're not supposed to comment on that type of thing. The baby is due on May 31, so that's only 8 weeks away. There was already a shower, but guys don't go to those so I stayed back.

Everyone in this house is baby crazy. Tim is trying to baby-proof the house already and Kelly is re-reading a lot of parenting books from her first pregnancy. I'm a little excited too, because babies are cute, but nobody is more excited than Brianna. She's still taking those Mommy Bear games very seriously and is trying to come up for named for her brother. Today she wanted to name him Timothy, but her parents said no.

I actually think Kelly should've started her maternity leave earlier, to be honest. You could tell she was pregnant, and to celebrate life while working your job as a funeral director … it just doesn't match up to me.

* * *

**FRIDAY, APRIL 6**

At lunch today, Dallas took me aside and asked if we could talk. I didn't want to leave Maya at first, but she was with Zig and Tori and Tristan would be coming soon, so I knew she would be fine. My stomach felt really weird out of nerves because I don't normally talk to the teammates anymore, but I just rubbed my arm because there were still a few cuts left and that was enough of a distraction.

By the way, I'm trying what I can do not to cut myself anymore. I've been pretty good about it the last little while, and I'm hoping I can keep it up. It just seems so wrong to do, plus when I get better, I'm still going to wake up with all those scars and that's going to remind me how to be sad. I'm trying new ideas and I think I'm doing okay for now.

Anyway, Dallas just wanted me to know all the team updates, since they've just played four away games, and I don't have to go to those. I don't even remember what he told me, but I remember the feeling when he told me. I knew he didn't have to tell me anything, otherwise he would've just texted me after each game quickly. It was the fact that he just wanted to talk, and that made me really happy.

I don't like a lot of the team because they're mean to me, but Dallas has been the nicest out of all of them. He looks out for me, even when I'm not playing. Even though I have Maya, when Dallas is nice to me, I don't feel so lonely anymore. He kind of reminds me of my brother, in the way that he can be mean, but is really nice deep down.

* * *

**SATURDAY, APRIL 7**

I miss my mom today. I miss my dad and my brothers and sister and my dog, too, but I especially miss my mom. Having this "baby buzz" around isn't making me feel any better because the Clarksons are getting a new member of the family when I'm so far away from mine. It doesn't seem fair, even though there's nothing unfair about it. I'm just kind of selfish when it comes to this stuff.

I called Maya and she was busy with her band, so I even tried calling Dallas, but he was down back home in Guelph. So instead, I took Brianna down to Maya's park since it had a really cool swingset and slide for her to play on. She had a really good time, and it made me happy watching her. She's only four years old and has her whole life ahead of her. I love her as my little hockey sister and I don't want her to ever feel sad or scared or alone like me, so I'm doing what I can to make her as happy as possible. And right now, the park makes her happy.

When I make someone feel happy, it feels like I'm doing something right. I'm going to keep trying until I get better again.


	15. Week 15

_**A/N**: So as I'm typing up this author's note today, I'm just realising that this would have been Easter weekend in the show's timeline. I've never even taken that into consideration, and it's too late right now to put that into place considering it would have started at the end of last chapter. For now, I hope you can carry on and pretend that nothing happened, haha, and when all the chapters of this version have been posted, I plan on editing through it all and fixing mistakes and timeline errors such as this. Okay? Okay. Thanks guys!_

* * *

**SUNDAY, APRIL 8**

I got a text from Alli today saying she needs to cancel the tutoring session tomorrow. That's actually okay, since I pretty much understand this short Space unit so far. Probably because Justin was always pretending to be an astronaut when we were kids, and I would spend time with him because I didn't have a lot of friends when I was younger. No matter what, I can name all the planets in order, and that's what matters.

There was a game today. We beat the Whalers 1-0 in the first few minutes of overtime. I still hate going to those games but I like spending time with Maya when she's there with me, so it's all kind of worth it, I guess.

I also find out if I passed my test tomorrow. I'm very nervous because I'm so afraid of failure.

I don't really have anything new to write about, it's kind of the same old.

* * *

**MONDAY, APRIL 9**

I passed my test! And I got exactly what I needed … C+! I just need to wait for a call from my coach to make sure I'm officially back in the game but I just feel so accomplished! When I found out, I found Maya after that class and we actually skipped through the halls! Normally I would be so scared to do that out of fear of judgment but I was so happy that I didn't even care. Everything is going to be okay now!

* * *

**TUESDAY, APRIL 10**

This morning I was talking with Dallas, and he was being really friendly with me. It was sort of weird at first, actually. I guess I'm still not used to it. He asked how I did on my Chemistry test (since he's friends with Alli, he would know that) and even came with me to show her my mark. I like it when he's nice because I feel a lot happier when that happens. I left out the part about coach telling me I'm back in the game, because I don't think he knew I was technically out.

I don't know, just recently, I've had to pay extra special attention to when I feel happy in case I miss it later. I never would be so happy with someone talking to me in the past. And to tell you the truth, I'm still not all that happy about it. I've just been really down about everyday things and I don't know why. I feel like I am getting better, especially since I'm not cutting anymore, but I definitely was a lot better before I left home, and I guess I'm just kind of looking for that again.

So, having a friend from the hockey team is something I should let myself feel happy about, so I am.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11**

Today the sweetest thing happened. I started crying about it, actually, because it warmed my heart so much and it makes me feel like I have a home away from home.

I was playing with Brianna since Maya was busy with her band after school and I had nothing else to do, and she started into the baby talk again. She came up with more names like Gilbert and Pablo, so as a joke, I said she should name her little brother Cam. I thought she was going to say yes, considering all the other names she's agreed to, but she looked at me really confused and just said "But I already have a brother named Cam."

At first I got confused and wondered if either of her parents had a kid from another marriage or something, but she was holding my hand and I realised she was talking about me. I wasn't just her hockey brother to her anymore, I was just as good as her real brother. That made me feel so special because I am so far away from my real family, but there's still somebody here that treats me like I am part of their real family. Like I said, I cried about it. Not in front of Brianna, though, but after she went to bed and I just laid in my bed thinking about it.

I get to see my family again in only a few weeks, but I'm still glad I have something else to help hold me up until then.

* * *

**THURSDAY, APRIL 12**

I didn't write this down before, but Tristan is in the hospital because of a heart attack! Tori told Maya (who told me) that he's going to be okay, but that's still pretty scary.

It especially freaks me out because it happened because he was trying to get instantly super fit to impress someone. It wasn't a total fluke, but something that he caused. I'm a little nervous about that, because what if something I do to myself goes overboard like that and I get into a hospital? Then people will start asking questions and I don't want that.

Tori has pretty much been right beside Tristan since yesterday, so that left Zig all alone. I asked Maya if she wanted to invite him to eat lunch with us in the garden, but she immediately pulled me off to go there without asking him. She simply said he could sit with Damon and didn't bring him up again. I'm worried that they're having a fight. That hopefully isn't the case, because they used to be such good friends. Plus, they're trying to get into Battle of the Bands, and I don't want a conflict to affect their chances.

* * *

**FRIDAY, APRIL 13**

* * *

**SATURDAY, APRIL 14**

I'm scared that my physiotherapist knows something. And by "something", I mean that she knows that I've done some pretty messed-up things. At the end of my appointment, she made a comment on how the way my arm didn't heal right wasn't just a natural problem, and it almost seemed like something intentional must've gotten in the way of the recovery.

I thought I was okay, but now looking back at what I did to myself, I'm not so sure. _I purposely broke my arm_. I banged it a bunch of times purposefully and now it didn't heal right. I've puked to get out of things I couldn't handle and I've cut myself more than once. I'm not normal. I've done all these things to myself, and just because I'm not doing them now, it doesn't mean that they never happened at one point. These are the things that I did to myself. I hardly remember actually doing them, but I'm aware that I did them. It's so psychotic.

How do I change myself into being a good person? I wish I knew the answer because I'm scared of myself.


	16. Week 16

_**A/N**: I met the cast of _Degrassi_ last night and it was unbelievable. I'm not going to waste your time now by talking about it now but shoot me a message if you wanna hear the details! (If possible, be specific about what you wanna hear, because I have hours and hours to talk about ahaha!)_

* * *

**SUNDAY, APRIL 15**

Why do I keep feeling sad for no reason? I go through life doing ordinary things that shouldn't give me any sort of emotions, but I always end up feeling sad. It's not a strong type of sad, but it's constant and achy. It's difficult to explain.

When I get happy, it always makes me feel better for a bit, but even as it's happening, there's this tiny voice in my head that knows that it's not going to last, and that I'm eventually just going to feel sadder than I am before. Every time it comes true.

And then there are the times where I get super sad, like after one of my anxious episodes when I do something bad to calm myself down. I just look at my whole life and see that I don't get happy very easily and everyone else can. I have to do terrible things to myself because I'm so messed up and can't find a way out any other way. When I think about all this, it just makes me hate myself even more.

Sometimes, I think about how much it really hurts me to have to go through this every day. And it actually terrifies me to write this, but sometimes I think about dying. Like, _really _think about it. Since Kelly worked as a funeral director, the whole idea of death sort of became less of a big deal. It's just so hard to handle and I keep wondering whether I can take any more.

But then I remember that there are still people that care about me, even a little bit. I have my family back home, even though I feel like I'm in a completely different world from them, because they know nothing about what's been happening lately. I have Brianna and my billets, even if I'll be replaced by the new baby soon. I have Dallas, but he's only nice to me when it's off the ice and away from the team. I have Maya, and she's the only person who I don't think will leave me, and I'm very grateful for that.

I don't know why I wrote all of this. I guess I just wanted to fill up these last pages of this journal so I guess I thought it was worth it to write from the heart. I'm going to the mall tomorrow with Maya after tutoring so I could buy a new one then. I never thought I would want another one, but writing things down make me feel like a lot less psycho of a person, because everyone can write.

* * *

**MONDAY, APRIL 16**

* * *

**TUESDAY, APRIL 17**

New journal! Except this one doesn't look like a journal like the last one did. I was a little embarrassed about buying one with Maya there, so I told her I wanted to buy some notebooks to write exam study notes. I bought two (because I actually need to start studying … my first exam is in less than a week!) and one of them is what I'm writing in now.

Anyway, we saw _Titanic 3D_ at the theatre after tutoring, and yes, we both cried. I've almost seen that movie as many times as Alessia has made me see the Leonardo DiCaprio version of _R&J_. Can you tell she's a big Leo fan? I've never seen it in 3D until now, obviously, because it's brand new. It's a classic movie. It makes me believe in real love. I used to be sceptical about it, but it reminds me that it's possible. It's good to have that reminder sometimes.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18**

My brother's university exams start today. I hope he does all right! I'm pretty confident about French so far, since I study with Maya and her friends, and English will be answering some comprehension questions on a short story, so they won't be too difficult. Math, which I have on Monday morning, I'm sure I'll be okay with if I keep studying, but I am worried about Science. I only have Alli for tutoring again until Monday night, which is the day before my exam, and I'm worried I won't be able to review everything before then.

I'm not too focused on exams right now, though. I just keep thinking about my brother. Next weekend, he'll be coming home as well, so it'll be a nice reunion after so long of missing him.

* * *

**THURSDAY, APRIL 19**

In all honesty, recently I've been considering whether I love Maya or not. I'm writing about it today, though, because of what happened a few hours ago.

I'm gonna start by talking about lunch. I was with Maya out in the garden, and once we were done eating and talking, we started kissing. It wasn't passionate kissing or anything, but we've come a long way from our first kiss, that's for sure. So, we were doing our thing, and out of nowhere, I hear "Hey, Rookie!" We stop kissing, I turn around, and there's Dallas laughing at us.

I didn't really know what to do, so my first instinct is to put my arm around Maya all protective, which doesn't really make sense, but I guess that's the "boyfriend" in me coming through. Anyway, Dallas just kind of laughs at us some more, and then he throws something at us before walking away. Guess what it was? A _condom_.

I've never been more mortified in my life. I guess my neves and stuff really kicked in because I don't remember anything between that and Maya calling my name a bunch of times. Then, she asked if I was okay and I told her I was. She also said I shouldn't need to be embarrassed about sex stuff and we could just go back to talking, so we did. We talked about our French exam and how we still need to review our oral exam conjugations, but we never actually studied. Weird.

Now to the few hours ago part. Maya was coming over to study, and we actually did some studying this time for a bit. And then she brough up the whole condom thing. She asked why it made me so freaked out and I told her it was because I didn't feel we were ready for that. She agreed, since we've only been going out for a few months, but she said she was hoping we could try the next step.

And then she grabbed my hands and she put them on her … it feels so disrespectful to write down. It was on top of her shirt, but still. I don't really know what I was doing but I seemed to make her happy. Kissing was a lot easier, so I decided to focus on that while I was doing the other thing. That lasted for quite some time and I tried to just go with it but I just kept thinking the whole time.

Like, after the movie and stuff the other day and thinking about love and stuff, I just want to know that I love Maya before we do all this stuff. I've never really sat down and thought about what love is like. I don't know if I have it and I don't know if Maya thinks I have it, but I don't want to disappoint her or make her feel awkward either way. I don't know if she would tell me how she feels or not, and just wondering all this is making me go crazy. Not a bad crazy, but just crazy. But any crazy gets bad after a while, so hopefully I'll figure it out before then.

* * *

**FRIDAY, APRIL 20**

I'm taking a break from writing my Math study notes to write this. Today I learned something about Maya that I didn't know about before. It actually wasn't about Maya, but about her sister. Basically, Katie used to have an eating disorder and she had a problem with prescription drugs. It caused a lot of strain on her family for a while but now they're closer than ever. She had no need to tell me any of that; she just felt like she needed to tell me.

It's amazing because I didn't know that, and I never would've guessed anything like that would've happened in her life because it's always seemed so perfect. But now, it makes everything seem more real. She trusted me with something big like this, and it just … I don't know, it feels really powerful.

I know someday that I can tell her my secrets. It's not that I don't trust her, but more like I don't trust myself. I just know that I'm not ready to tell anyone these things yet. When I am, she'll be the first to know. She's caring and beautiful and funny and talented and she makes me feel better. And somehow, I could make her feel better just by her telling the truth, and knowing I can do something for her just makes me feel better. We really do help each other. She's wonderful.

I love that she was able to trust me. It gives me this kind of feeling in my chest that's not panic, but actually something that feels good, and I can't get enough of it. It's just so different and special that I can't even describe how amazing that it makes me feel.

Also, only one more week until I leave to see my family again! I'm so excited!

* * *

**SATURDAY, APRIL 21**

There's something I didn't write yesterday that I figured out after I finished the entry, so I'm gonna write it down now.

I love Maya. I think I've loved her for a while now, actually. It feels really good.

* * *

_**A/N**: Next week's chapter _might_ come out on Thursday since I'm leaving on vacation sometime on Friday, and I don't know the time we're leaving yet! Thanks for reading!_


	17. Week 17

_**A/N**: And so I am on time after all! I will tell you now that we're supposed to get back from vacation late Friday night, so next update might be a little later than usual. The final chapter should very much be on time. Thanks for reading! :)_

* * *

**SUNDAY, APRIL 22**

I feel confident about my Math exam tomorrow. I've been studying all weekend, mixed with some crying because of all the stress, but I know I definitely won't fail, and I'm aiming for about a B-, which is good.

I'm not feeling good, though. Like, at all. I've also started studying English, but then I realised that it's impossible to study for English, and we're all gonna finish studying for French when we get back together. But I'm absolutely _terrified _about my Science exam.

I write it on Tuesday and I'm so unprepared. I just got so afraid of facing it that I avoided it entirely. I was hoping I could learn it all after tomorrow's tutoring with Alli but I doubt that I can. I tried looking it over today, but every time I do I forget something from Math and I can't keep up. It hurts feeling so stupid all the time. I don't understand how people like Maya can be so smart and I'm sitting here trying to keep up with one class at a time and I can't do it. I need to stop writing now because I feel like the room is spinning.

* * *

**MONDAY, APRIL 23**

Everything is wrong. I am pretty much positive that I passed my Math exam but I'm not ready for Science at all and I'm so scared because I screwed it all up.

I was too selfish to consider that Alli needs to study for her exams as well and wouldn't have time or the care to re-teach the entire semester to some tenner who knows nothing. So now I'm stuck on my own to figure everything out by 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning and I know I'm not going to do that and I'm so scared that I'm going to fail the course altogether.

I went through almost a whole month without cutting myself but I broke last night while panicking and I did it again earlier tonight. I'm so afraid to tell anyone I'm stressed over these exams because everything at my billets is just talk about the baby, and not only am I afraid to let them down, but I also know that right now they won't care. I can't bug Maya or any of her friends because they all have exams they need to focus on their own.

I feel alone and scared. I keep asking myself to make these feelings stop but they don't. They go up and down but never good enough. Right now I'm okay enough to write but I know as soon as I start studying again I'm going to lose it and I hate myself for being such a loser and I wish I were dead because nobody cares.

* * *

**TUESDAY, APRIL 24**

I'm not ready for this exam. I don't even care. I feel like I'm a zombie and my arms are killing me because of all the cuts. I'm not going to write in this afterwards. I'm not even sure if I'm going to write in this ever again.

Okay, I lied. I'm back, and I have good news. I changed things around for me. I knew that this exam was too important to throw away, but I also knew I wasn't ready to write. So, what I did was right before I walked into my exam, I chugged another whole thing of milk. A minute in I puked, my teacher told me I could go home sick, and I can re-write on Thursday afternoon. I have two more days to study, and having that boost makes me feel so much more confident about it. I've just been reviewing non-stop and I'm understanding a lot more now for whatever reason.

Also, I get to re-write with the Grade 9 Science class, so I'll be with Maya! I haven't been able to see her all week and I miss her so much, especially now that I've figured out how I really feel about her. It's all so spinny when I think of her but it manages to make me smile and so happy and I really need her. If I can pass this and get to spend time with her everything will be perfect. I don't know, I'm just so happy right now that I can't even think.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, APRIL 25**

Everything is turning around. My English exam went well, I didn't hurt myself yesterday, I think I'll pass both Science and French, and WhisperHug got into the Battle of the Bands contest. It's been feeling good and I'm so glad it's going to work out now. I was in such a good mood I didn't care when I had to watch Brianna when my billets were out, or when Tori gave a huge dramatic rant about Zig not liking her, or how mad I normally would've been when I chickened out of saying "Je t'aime" to Maya. It's just such a good time and I don't even understand why, but I'm not complaining!

I was also talking to my mom today to ask about a good present to get for Maya. I want to give it to her before Battle of the Bands, but I don't want it to be a Battle-of-the-Bands-present. I also want it to be something special that she'll not only take care of but also remember how much I care every time she does. My mom suggested something she said her cousin did for his girlfriend. The girlfriend's a writer, and every time she got some sort of story published or whatever, he'd write her another poem in a poetry book for her to look back on. She said I could write Maya a song for every show she performs. I told Mom that I can't write, but then she asked if Maya likes jewelry. She does, so Mom said I could get a charm bracelet and give her another one for every concert.

I bought one right afterwards. It's silver and I got her the music note squiggle thing for her first charm. I can't wait to give it to her!

* * *

**THURSDAY, APRIL 26**

I don't think I did very well on my exam. I'm pretty sure I passed, like it wasn't that bad. But I just didn't do very well. I'm not upset because I already knew I suck at Science, but at the same time I _am _upset because things were getting better for a bit. It's really weird. I haven't really reacted to it but I feel kind of heavy and that's all I know. It also hasn't hit me all that I did so I could write today instead of Tuesday.

However, I do feel confident about my French exam. I was studying after school with Maya, Tori, and later Zig showed up. We have both a written portion, which takes up an hour of the exam time, and then Mme. Jean-Aux will ask us to recite the conjugations for je/tu/il/elle etc. for a particular verb tense. I'm still pretty bad at l'imparfait and le futur, but I'm good at présent and passé composé, so I hope I get one of those. Tonight, I'm especially reviewing the ils and elles conjugations for the verbs because I still get mixed up with them sometimes.

I think Maya and Zig still fighting. They were arguing right before their Science exam, and I know they were doing it again at Maya's house. I asked if things were okay and she said she didn't want to talk about it. I hope they can resolve things because I don't want this to ruin their chances in Battle of the Bands tomorrow. I heard a version of the cover they're going to perform, and it sounds really good.

Also, I leave to go back home tomorrow! I know I should be more excited but with all this exam stress I haven't been feeling that either. I haven't been feeling a lot lately, but when I do, I really feel it, and that's either good or bad.

* * *

**FRIDAY, APRIL 27**

I'm going right home. Maya kissed Zig when we were broken up and I can't deal with any of this. I love her but she doesn't love me back the same way if she's willing to do that. Fuck trying to get better because it's never gonna happen. I just want to get out of here or I'm gonna try to actually get out of here and I'm so scared and I don't know what I'm doing.

* * *

**SATURDAY, APRIL 28**

I'm on the train right now. I still have another few hours until I arrive and I haven't been able to sleep, so I'll write down everything that's happened that I didn't really explain yesterday.

I think I did the written part pretty well on my French exam, and I got perfect on the oral exam! It was the verb manger au futur, by the way. I felt really good about that.

Then I went to give Maya the bracelet. I was going to use the l-word but I chickened out again and just said that I like her a lot. She said she loved the bracelet and then she told me about Zig. I didn't know how to react so I just kind of left really confused and sad and angry about everything. I still don't know how to react to be honest. I just try not to really overthink it.

When I ran out crying a bit, I saw Tori at her locker and almost told her what happened, especially since Zig was still dating her when he and Maya kissed. But then I thought that it wouldn't be fair for her to hear it from me, so when she asked me what was wrong, I just told her to "talk to Zig." I found out later that she found out the hard way when Zig and Maya were fighting over what happened.

I got home and packed and was ready to go, and I even said goodbye to my billets because I was gonna leave so early. I also did bad stuff but I don't like writing that. At the last minute I changed my mind and went to Maya's show because I couldn't live without her. That sounds so bad, but it's kind of true. I needed to show her that I was willing to do anything for her, including keeping a promise when I thought it would never be worth it.

I showed up right on time. There was some sort of conplication with their band so they had a last-minute change up, and Maya sang one of the band's original songs. It was beautiful, just seeing her in her element. This is exactly what she was born to do. It made me happy to see her so happy. WhisperHug only came in third place, but they still were absolutely phenomenal.

Afterwards, we talked things over, both backstage and at her house for a bit. It was just a moment of wanting affection, because that was when I was bad and couldn't do anything for her. She has no feelings for Zig and no intention of wanting to break up with me because I'm the only one she wants (I liked that part). I was actually with her all the way up until I went to the train station. I did go back to my billet's to get my bags, but only for a moment. She says she's going to have a rough week because Tori's mad at her and Zig, so Tristan will be mad by default. She doesn't want to spend any time with Zig right now because he needs to get the hint that she doesn't want to be with him, and Katie's going on vacation. I wish I could take her back home with me.

So yeah, I'm on the train right now and I'll be home soon. I had a little bit of trouble dealing with the whole train station process because I'm so overly-panicky about everything, but I survived. I'm just trying to distance myself from all the drama in Toronto as much as I can because I'm going to see my amazing mom in a few hours and I want it to be the best moment ever! Speaking of my mom, her gift idea was worth it because Maya still has the bracelet. She's amazing. I'll be sure to tell her how much I love her all this week. It'll be so much easier than telling Maya.

* * *

_**A/N**__: There has to be a reason that Cam's writing an exam with the niners, right? I did what I could to make it work!_


	18. Week 18

_**A/N**__: Ah, yes, easily the longest chapter in the whole story. This actually took several weeks to get right because I wanted to really make an entire world for Cam outside the realm of Degrassi. Maybe instead of dumping it all at once I should've spread it out more through the story __… __hmm __… __Also, Cam described the week as "awesome" on the show, but I also wanted it with kind of a bittersweet undertone at the same time because, well, we all know how the story ends, and we're quite close to that ending. I'm still not sure if I "got it", really, but here it is! Thanks for reading!_

* * *

**SUNDAY, APRIL 29**

* * *

**MONDAY, APRIL 30**

I have two really busy days to write about! They were both so amazing so I'm going to try not to leave anything out!

The closest train station that is direct from Toronto leads to a little ways out of Kapuskasing, so I needed a ride to pick me up from there yesterday. As soon as I got off the train with my stuff, I saw my mom and Emerson and I ran right up to them. I gave Mom the first hug because it was her hugs and everything about her that reminds me of home that I missed the most. Nobody can give hugs like her. I'm still afraid of hugs from most people, but never hugs by my mom. Afterwards I crouched down a bit to give Emerson a hug. He's still pretty short in comparison to me. That makes him really short.

Dad and Alessia were back at the house because we needed room in the car for all my stuff. Justin wouldn't be showing up until later that night, and Bella wouldn't be allowed at the station.

During the car ride back home, all of the questions were about hockey. It was a little bit weird because I haven't played in over a month, and I have no idea as to when I could be back on the ice. At my last physio appointment, they said they would send forms in to my coach and he'll place me back on the line accordingly. I haven't heard from him yet, but I could even be back out next game, which is on May 9th. It all seems too weird. I don't like being in Toronto without it, but I never liked being there with it either.

Anyway, I tried to pretend to be excited for them because they'll be happy if I'm happy. So, I was happy. I also found out that Emerson won an award at the mid-year assembly the other day! It was the Most Improved Award for all the students Grade 3 and under. I'm really glad for him because I know he doesn't do so well at school sometimes, but it's not from a lack of effort!

When I got home, Alessia was waiting by the door. She looked really happy to see me, which was awesome because we were never really close before this whole hockey thing happened. She looks really pretty and happy. Apparently she has a "boyfriend" now. I don't know what that means since she's only twelve-and-a-half, but good for her.

My dad was inside on the phone for work when I came in. As soon as he saw me, he told whoever he was talking to that he would have to call them back and ran over and gave me a hug. Now, the thing is with my dad is even though we're a close family, he's not one to show emotions like that. I don't feel deprived or whatever because of that, but having that moment made me feel something good that I've never felt before.

Bella is doing fine, as well. She hasn't really changed much.

I threw all my stuff on my bed and went down and just talked with my family. And I didn't even care that I was talking about something I didn't like because I was talking about it with Mom and Dad and Alessia and Emerson and I was at home again. It smelled like home, and I got my favourite spot on the couch at home. It made everything less sad and more alive.

We also discussed the fact that I've had a girlfriend since February. They all knew because of Facerange and Skype and stuff but it was different when they were_ there_ teasing me. I couldn't really escape it. I told them that Maya was beautiful and talented and smart and supportive like usual, and they, like usual, said that they wanted to meet her! I hope someday they can do that!

Then, Justin came home from university, and we caught up with him. He thinks he failed his French course, which is ironic because that's the only class I'm certain I passed. He's also looking into renting a house with a bunch of guys he met in frosh year instead of moving back into residence. It would cost less, but it would be farther away and maybe more difficult to work around with getting there.

Out of all the members of my family, I think Justin's the one who has changed the most since I left. When he came back for Christmas break a few months back, he was still kind of immature. But now, he's acting more responsibly. I think he knows that he needs to better plan his future or it's not going to happen, and maybe university brought that harsh reality to life.

Everyone in my family keeps saying I've changed, too. They say I'm quieter, but I've always been pretty quiet, so I'm not sure if I'm showing that much. I know that I have changed, though, but I don't know how to explain it. It's not maturity. All I know is that I'm a lot less happy than before but my family made it all better so I don't need to worry.

Anyway, we stayed in for dinner and my mom made her famous rice casserole. Justin and I both asked for it, because that's one thing you can't get from your billets or from university serveries. Afterwards, we watched The Big Bang Theory as a family, which all of us enjoy, and then we went to bed early since we had a long day and I had very little sleep.

I stayed awake for a little while, though, because just laying in my own bed really started to kick in the idea that things will get better. Everything felt "in place". I just went away for a while and now I'm back to normal. It was like a really bad vacation, but I'm finally back home. I spent too much time thinking about that instead of trying to sleep.

That was Saturday. Yesterday, we went to visit my grandparents on my mom's side. They live in Timmins, so it wasn't too long of a drive. Although, it kind of felt like it because I'm _sick_ of travelling now. I'm not very close with my grandparents either. We pretty much only visit them when something important happens, like a holiday or a birthday, but I guess mine and Justin's homecoming is a big deal anyway. My grandparents are nice for people I don't really know.

They must've known we were coming, because Grandma had baked a pie. Some grandmas are always cooking and baking but I don't think my grandma is that type. She doesn't even know how to knit. She's a big reader, though. I think she was a teacher back in the day. I don't know what Grandpa did but he wasn't one of those army-grandparents. I think he was into economics or geography or something.

Anyway, we did the "catch-up". Grandma and Grandpa talked to Mom about someone named Denise who moved into a senior's home, I explained how the Ice Hounds should be making it into the playoffs, and Alessia chewed her gum really loudly and Dad told her to stop. It was a fun trip even though I felt kind of bored and a little overwhelmed by not just sitting back and relaxing. However, it wasn't bad in the sense of what I consider to be "bad", so I was okay.

On the car ride back to Kapuskasing at around dinner time, I finally fell asleep and it was the first good sleep I've had in a long time. I've been spending far too much time thinking and being sad for the past few weeks that I haven't been able to just shut down, but it finally happened. I woke up really refreshed and started writing. I haven't even been downstairs yet.

The reason I haven't gone down to join my family is because my mom said something yesterday about hanging out with some kids I used to go to school with, and I don't want that idea to be brought up again. I will explain my situation with them at another time, even though it's not too big of a deal. It just hurts and I don't want to be hurt when I'm back in my comfort zone with my family.

I'm going to shower now and then I'll man up and hope they don't bring up the idea of hangouts. If they do, I'll say that it'll mean less time for me to spend with my family before I go back to Toronto, and I know they won't want that!

* * *

**TUESDAY, MAY 1**

I subtly asked Alessia for advice on how to write this next part today, and she said when she writes she pretends she's talking to someone. I'm going to pretend I'm talking to Maya, because I feel this needs to be explained even though I already know what's going on, and Maya doesn't know any of this. In all honesty, I still don't plan on telling her, but I'm just pretending for the purposes of this entry.

Today I hung out with some people I go to school with when I'm at home. Their names are Oliver, Zack and Sierra. I didn't have as bad of a time as I thought I would. Actually, it was pretty fun. It's just kind of sad because I'm probably closer with the people I have in Toronto than I am with them, and I still feel a little disconnected from both groups.

I first met Oliver in when I was eight when we both played rep hockey for Timmins. Because we both had to travel from Kapuskasing to get to the arena, sometimes we would carpool. He was my first kind-of friend other than Justin and Alessia because my siblings and I were homeschooled until Emerson turned two the next year. Oliver went to a different school than we eventually went to, but since we saw each other a few hours a week when we played, we still sort of kept in touch.

He was kind of the only one I had from Grades 4 (my first grade in regular school) to Grade 6, because I had a lot of trouble making friends. For the first part, being homeschooled was considered weird. Also, everyone had already been friends for years and it's difficult to join in for the first time when you're quiet and shy. I was very sad and lonely for those years, especially in Grade 6 when Justin was in Grade 9 and wouldn't be able to keep an eye on me. Even though he adjusted really well, he was still helpful and nice to me.

The summer before Grade 7, I asked my parents if I could switch to Oliver's school so I could spend time with someone who was nice to me, and then I moved to St. Patrick School. Oliver was really nice to make sure all his friends included me as much as possible. Because it was still elementary school, everyone was typically still "friends" with everyone, but I was closest with Oliver and his two best friends, Zack and Sierra. They're twins. I actually had a big crush on Sierra towards the end of Grade 8 but she really changed when we started high school and I didn't really want to be associated with her romantically anymore since she had a reputation. We were all still "friends" when we started high school.

And I guess I was the one who left the group on my own at that point. Oliver started going to a lot of parties and I hate parties. Sierra went too, and started giving herself a lot less than she deserved when it came to guys. I think it's sad that girls will put themselves out like that for any reason other than true love. Zack stayed pretty much the same but he was the one who I wasn't as close to so it was pretty difficult for me. I just channelled my energy into hockey so I wouldn't have to worry about having lost them. We weren't enemies or anything. You could even still consider us friends, but I didn't feel like we were friends and it hurt really bad.

When I started going for farm teams for the OHL, and eventually when the Ice Hounds signed me and then moved me up to the main team, that was when everybody started showing interest in me for a bit, and sadly, my friends were part of that trend. They were exactly the way I remembered them to be in elementary school, but they were only that way around me and not around anyone else, and that bothered me. My dad said that maybe they were like that because they were only comfortable showing the "real" them around me and none of their new high school crowd. I'm not sure if that could be true or not, but either way the idea of there being a difference at all made me feel weird.

Anyway, that's kind of the backstory on why I wasn't sure if I wanted to hang out with them today. They're really the only friends I've ever had but we've all changed over the years and in the past few months as well. We met up at the movies since it was cheap movie day and it was a little bit awkward at first, but once we got into the theatre it was completely fine. We saw _The Hunger Games_ (finally, since Maya had no interest in it), and holy crap, it was amazing! I'm not typically one for those type of movies, but the story was awesome! It was exciting, that's the best word for it! I felt so awake and alive and energised and it gave me such a rush.

After that, went to the restaurant next door and we tried to really catch up. Even though I didn't like some of the choices they were making, it still felt like home. If I disapproved of the Ice Hounds' choices, that would be different from Oliver, Zack or Sierra's choices because I've known them for less time. That's why I liked it as much as I did. It was what I was used to be and I was comfortable with it.

But at the same time, I was glad to go home afterwards and just crash with my family. We didn't even do anything but sit around, but my family is the closest to home I'll ever be because they are literally my home, and I'll always like them better no matter how hard I try.

* * *

**WEDNESDAY, MAY 2**

Today was meant for Campbell/Justin bonding time. My mom suggested it, but we both agreed to it without any conflict. I've seen him less than the rest of my family since the entire school year started because he was off in North Bay. By the time Christmas rolled around, it became all about hockey pretty fast, and we didn't really have the time to catch up. Now we do, so I'm glad we had this opportunity.

Justin is a big fan of golf, and I don't mind it, so we went to the driving range for a bit. He told me that I'm going to need the practice for when my NHL team doesn't make the playoffs. I did all right. Justin was better, but was no Tiger Woods, even though he thinks he is. I teased him about it because I feel comfortable with him, and plus he teased me about spending my future at the golf course.

After that, we went out for some food. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go because I just went out for dinner the night before, and I want to take advantage of Mom's food as much as I can, but really it was just a place where we could talk freely and not have to worry about interrupting anyone else's day at the range.

We talked about all the basics all over again, but he just wanted to get to a certain point: Maya. It was awkward because even though we're close, he's always done a lot better with girls and he's really overconfident about them. It's just uncomfortable for me to talk about that when I hardly know what I'm doing. He's also a little disrespectful sometimes.

He asked how long we've been dating and I told him almost three months. Then he asked how far we've gone and I admitted that I've touched her chest over top of her shirt. He asked why I was afraid of calling them tits and I didn't answer him because I was embarrassed. Then he asked "So you two aren't fucking?" and I told him no. He asked "Do you want to?" and I said that I didn't know because I never really thought about sex and the word "fucking" seems like a whole different kind of sex. He told me not to worry about it and do it when I'm ready. Then he talked about his first time in junior year and how part of him wishes he had waited (but still done it with the same girl, because they still dated for a while afterwards) since they were still really young and stuff. And then he talked about his new university girlfriend and how they spent a lot of nights in each other's residence suites, and they might ditch the guys he was originally planning on rooming with so they can live together. He asked if I loved Maya and I said yes. Then he gave me a condom for whenever we "finally start fucking."

It was so incredibly embarrassing and I could feel my face getting so red and my chest filling up with panic, but my dad's embarrassed to have this talk so at least I have someone to do it for me. And it's good to actually hear the stuff that I've heard about my brother, from my brother, since there were rumours going around when I went to school in town.

I think it's the comfort zone thing again. Dallas throws me a condom, I completely lose my cool in front of my girlfriend. Justin tells me his entire sex story, I can keep it internalised and I'm actually kind of grateful for it. I guess if I can manage to be calm at home, maybe eventually I can be calm anywhere else.

After dinner, we just drove around town for a bit. That was my request, just to _really _see home. I've lived here for my whole life until recently, and I just wanted to know that some things can still stay the same even though others are changing. Everything looks the same here. There's always going to be something stable and I love knowing that.

All in all, it was a good day, and I'm glad I got a day like that to spend with my brother. He's done so much for me in my life and now he's done even more. He's great.

Thinking back to our dinner talk, I know someday I'll be ready to have sex with Maya. Just not right now. Or any time soon. Or any time not-soon. But someday.

* * *

**THURSDAY, MAY 3**

Today we sat around at home and did next to nothing. I played Emerson in NHL 12 for hours (I beat him) and then we practised some real hockey (I beat him again). Alessia's pretty big into music, so we went through her favourites together and tried to find something new for Maya. We found this one band from Iceland that we think she'll like. I'll have to buy Maya a copy of their album when I get back to Toronto.

This was a great day because it was just at home and there was absolutely nothing special about it. It's good to have an off-day.

I also got a call from my coach today. He says that my physio is complete and I'll be back on the frontlines on the 9th, and my first practice will be Monday morning. I honestly don't feel terrible about it right now. At first, I was really nervous because of all the drama the team caused and how much I wanted to go home, but then I remembered that I _am _home right now. I just needed to recharge, and now that I've done that, I should be okay, right? I used to love hockey. It was my only friend for years, so a little setback can't push me.

Being with the family makes me feel powerful and I love it. I don't want to leave, don't get me wrong, but when I do, I'll be okay with it and ready to play. Playoffs, here we come!

* * *

**FRIDAY, MAY 4**

* * *

**SATURDAY, MAY 5**

I'm leaving early tomorrow morning to go back to Toronto and now I'm officially starting to worry. I've had such a good week, and I'm so grateful for it, but on the other hand I know that means everything is only going to get worse when I go back. The worst part is that this is the new normal; to be sad and unhappy and all of that, and knowing that just kind of ruined my whole week.

I know the week was awesome. It _was _awesome. But I'm not. I just have some stupid problem with being happy and it's never happening for me. I keep losing my cool instantly and it sucks that I can't even get five minutes of consistency.

Like yesterday, for example. I was out with my dad downtown and somebody recognised me as an OHL player and wanted a photo. I don't remember too much of the photo taking or what happened afterwards but it wasn't good. I hate being in the spotlight, and even when I'm not in the spotlight I'm still in the spotlight. My dad took me to the car at one point I can remember and somehow I calmed down with his help but I don't remember the details. I do remember being so scared over nothing to the point where I felt like I was dying and I really wanted to speed up that process.

It's just … I'm fine now, but I don't have a lot anywhere other than home that can make me fine. There's Maya, but while she keeps saving me and I do love her, my family does a better job at helping me than she can because we know each other better. And right when I realise how much I really need them, I'm being thrown back without them.

I briefly told Emerson last night that I'm scared to go back, and only because he'd think the least of it. He told me that I only have until the end of the season and then I get to go back and I left it at that so he wouldn't get worried. But I know I can't handle all the way until the end of the season. I just can't. And after the season's done? I get back home for a few months and then back I go for the next one. And since this time I'd be on the team right at the start of the season, I'd be gone for longer. I would get breaks for Christmas and such but I can't do any of it anymore.

I don't want to let anyone else down, but I especially don't want to let _myself _down any more than I already have. I said I would handle being away from Mommy and Daddy and I couldn't. I said I wasn't going to hurt myself anymore and I have actual scars that aren't going to go away. I said I was going to be happy and I couldn't do that either. I need to pull through because the team needs me and I want to make everyone proud, because that'll make me proud of myself.

The only problem is that I already know what I'm up against, and I know I can't make it. I can't do this. I want to die. I want everything to go away because I can't trust myself to do anything right anymore.

* * *

_**A/N**__: Next week is the big one._


	19. Week 19

_**A/N**__: I'm gonna get this all out now before you read the chapter because the ending is not all about me, but all about Cam._

_First off, THANK YOU ALL for your mass support! Your reviews, favourites, follows, and even read counts have all made me so happy. I hope all of you have been at least somewhat satisfied with what I've put together! A special shoutout goes out to my friend Lisa, who found the very beginnings of this on my USB and aggressively requested that I continue._

_Secondly, as my Harry Potter fanfictions have obviously displayed, I am typically_ beyond terrible _at keeping goals with multi-chaptered ideas. This whole idea took quite literally eleven-and-a-half months to get from the original plotbunny to posting this last bit here, spaced out as such just so I wouldn't bail halfway through. A lot of things have changed since then. At one point I actually had Justin show up in Toronto. (Maybe I'll throw that plot into a oneshot __… hmm …) Anyway, the point of me saying that is that I obviously need to set up a _lot _of space to develop bigger ideas, so I don't expect I'll be posting anything other than a few oneshots for the next long while, haha. However, I have a full-length AU in the planning/first draft stages ;)_

_Finally, I don't want to be one to ask for reviews, but if you do decide to leave one, I honestly want to hear something I can work on. I've never written fiction in this style before, and I've had so much difficulty getting into Cam's head and making it both sound like his thoughts, but also readable, fresh, and non-repetitive. I enjoyed the process, though, and I'm interested in picking up something like this again someday, so your comments for improvement would be greatly appreciated!_

_Okay, now we're getting to the ending. Once again, thank you all so much for your support. To Campbell Saunders, may the angels protect you._

_-Monica xo_

* * *

**SUNDAY, MAY 6**

I'm back in Toronto and I already hate it all over again. It's all back in the same routine and I just want it to end. I have practice tomorrow morning before school. A new semester. Everything is restarting, but I don't have faith that it's going to end well.

I lost it when I was at the train station. I was saying goodbye to everyone in my family and pretended to be fine, but when I got to my mom I didn't want to let go. I told her I loved her and then I started crying asking her not to make me go back. She didn't have time to really react, and neither did I, so we all said our final goodbyes and left it at that. I could feel everyone on the train judging me when I was a wreck the whole way back. I miss them so much and I don't feel like I can do this without them.

I had so much power and happiness when I was with my family but I didn't get enough time to learn how to handle the world without them, and it feels like all of it never even happened.

This sounds so selfish, but I didn't think of anyone back here all week. Except for Maya, of course, because she's the best part of Toronto. But I didn't miss my billets or anyone from the team or school and now I don't feel ready to go back to any of them. As soon as I got back, I quickly said hello to Tim, Kelly and Brianna and told them I was tired, so I went to bed without anything to eat and went right to sleep. I woke up just now and I know I won't be able to go back to sleep, even though it's only 11:30. I thought maybe writing in this might prepare me for getting back into things.

You know, I have had some good times in Toronto. Sometimes I forget it because of all the things that are wrong with me. I did do very well in hockey while I was still playing. I didn't get a call from the GM about my grades, so it looks like I passed all my classes. I'm in love with a beautiful and amazing girl, and her friends have been nice to me. My billets have been supportive and kind and I have the best hockey sister in the world. I just need to focus on all this when I'm having a bad day and maybe I can make it through the end of the year. Got to keep my head up, stick on the ice.

I'm only really excited for one thing, and that's Maya. We didn't get a chance to Skype during the break because she and her mom went out of town for a few days for a mother-daughter getaway. I hope she had as good of a time as I did, and I hope she'll be able to re-adjust well to going back to school. I look up to her a lot and if she's happy, that'll make me happier.

* * *

**MONDAY, MAY 7**

I'm finally giving up. I have nothing good left and all the bullshit I've been getting from everybody is exactly what I deserve and I can't deal with myself anymore. This is going to be my last entry. I don't even know why I'm wasting my time writing. Maybe it's to make sense about why I'm doing it.

Maya chose Zig over me and she deserves to do that. I beat the shit out of him for doing the same thing I do - for loving Maya. Only difference is that he's not a dick about it. She was single when they kissed. Fair game. And now she has all the chances in the world to get somebody better. Tristan said he would fight for her, and he won.

Same with the team. They're tired of me fucking up their chances so I'm just going to get out of their hair for good. My first shot at breaking from them only worked for a short time, so I'm going to do something more permanent if they're going to be permanently free. I know I'm burdening them and everyone else and I just can't handle being that much of a fuckup any longer.

I thought I could do this, but I lost Maya, and I know I can't. Alli said there's always a way but I'm out of ideas because no matter what I do it's never going to be good enough for me or anyone else. And so I just want to get over it before I make things any worse for everyone.

I'm going to throw away this and my old journal so nobody can read this after I'm gone. That way they can think I had some kind of tragedy in my life that made me do it instead of just being some kid who's fucked in the head. I had the chance of a lifetime and instead I became a loser emo kid, and I was selfish enough to think I deserved the people that were really just putting up with me for all this time.

I know people won't be happy for a bit after I do it but it's for the best and they all know it. I'm done. I can't write what I'm going to do. I l can't even write down the fucking word before I do it. I'm just done with everything and now that I've let it all out I can throw this out make everything stop. I'm just done.

Goodbye.

* * *

**TUESDAY, MAY 8**

I'm writing this in my old study notes notebook until I can buy a new journal. I know I said yesterday that I would never write in this again, but last night ended up being one of the best nights of my life, and I hope that I'll be able to have a lot more just like it with Maya.

So here's the story: I just got back from her house because I have a hockey practice in 45 minutes. I stayed the night with her. No, not like that. We were just together. And we talked and kissed a little and just spent time together as who we really are and it was so amazing.

I wasn't planning on staying over. I wasn't planning on going over. I wasn't planning on lasting more than half an hour after I wrote that last entry. But I thought I had to give it one last try with Maya. She's kept me alive long enough, and if I could find a reason to stay in that last try, then I would stay. I don't think too much about gods or whatever, but I feel like something forced me to look for that last chance, and I'm grateful for it, because it gave me hope, which was exactly what I needed.

Last night, when we were long-past tired and trying to fall asleep, Maya said what I needed to hear. And it was more than anything else she's ever said to me ever, and more of a reason to stay than I ever thought would be possible considering how far down I had crashed. She told me she loved me.

I was so frozen and happy that I couldn't move or say anything, so I pretended I was asleep and I'm guessing she believed me. It was reassurance that I wasn't a fuckup to someone. She didn't explain her love, but I don't think she would've thrown the word around. It made me feel like she needed me. Maybe nowhere near as much as I need her, but enough to have to tell me how she felt.

Yesterday, I thought I had nobody. And now I know I have somebody. I still have my family and whatnot but they're so far away. Maya's close. She can give me a hug when I need it and physically take me away from whatever is hurting me. And the fact that I now know that she cares enough to do that on her own, it makes me feel like I'll never need it. It's almost like a safety net I'll never use, but a lot different because she is so much more than that. She exists outside of all my problems and that's why I love her so much.

When I left her house earlier, she was still sleeping, but I whispered "I love you" to her to make up for the fact that I wasn't brave enough to tell her last night. It was enough for then, but I'm obviously going to make it up to her more later.

I'm leaving for hockey practice now. After that, I'll have enough time to go buy Maya lunch and meet her at the school in time. Since I won't be able to stay on school property for too long because I'm suspended, we'll head to the park she showed me on one of our old dates. And then, that's where I'll tell her I love her, and that I really need her more than anything. And then I'll even tell her that I'm going through a lot, but she helps me get better. I'm in such a good mood enough to be honest about that. I'll just tell her the basics, and if she's supportive, I'll tell her more. Maybe the arm breaking and the cutting if things go perfectly.

After that, I have no plans except to do everything I can to make Maya happy because I love her so much. And assuming she really does love me, then she'll look out for me if I tell her the truth, and she'll help me be happy. That's what lovers do. Everything is going to work out, I can feel it!

I'll write a report in here on what happens later! I'm so excited to tell Maya I love her!

* * *

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